“Dear Bubba” is Funny Relationship & Love Advice

  Relationship Advice for the Seriously Fucked Up
This Ain’t ‘Dear Abby’ this ain’t “Ask Amy”, this is Hard Core Love Advice

 You can now find my past columns in the archives link.  So forget the other advice columns. Read MY answer to these stupid questions.  -Bubba

Click here for the latest 2017 Bubba Advice Column

 

Here’s my advice from 2016-

December 25th, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor
Attention Ladies and Germs…

Dear Bubba,

Why is it that when women visit, they’ll take their handbag and put it on the kitchen counter, the kitchen table or on the dining room table? Their handbags have been on as many floors as my shoes. Don’t they think about what they’re doing?
Please let your readers know this is not a good idea. If someone needs to put a handbag down, it should be placed on the floor, where it most likely was previously.

Signed,
Grossed Out

 

Dear Grossout,

Do you wash your hands after using the Men’s room? I bet it makes you feel nice and sanitary. But then you exited by grabbing the handle of the door. Well, guess what? The guy just before you didn’t wash his hands and not only does he have an itchy, dripping diseased pecker, but it’s also coated in a quarter inch of smegma.  So in essence, you just grabbed some guy’s infected dick, and you’re worried about germs on the bottom of a handbag? It’s not a women’s handbag you should be worried about, it’s the half million nutsacks you’ve been handling for the past 20 years! Now get that finger out of your nose you neurotic fucking idiot and leave my readers out of this!

 

December 18th, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

Po little ole Me

Dear Bubba,

I am a 21 year old college student. Recently, my cousin (also 21) moved in with my parents and me because her mom is verbally and mentally abusive. Lately, I’m having issues with her being here.
She constantly barges into my room, leaving me no time for myself. Most days she ends up napping in my bed instead of hers, leaving drool on my sheets. When she comes home from school, she drops all of her things in my room. My parents cleared out a room for her, yet most of her stuff is in mine.
She gets ready in my room instead of hers and talks on the phone with her boyfriend loudly while I’m studying. She’s constantly complaining about school, her boyfriend, work, etc. If I get invited somewhere, she tries to tag along.
I don’t know what to do. I need time for myself. I can’t bring these issues up to her because she’s extremely sensitive and will see it as an attack. I don’t know how much longer I can take it because she is stuck here until November. Help.

Signed,
California Girl

 

Dear Doormat,

The lord helps those who help themselves. You’re 21? Are you paying rent? I didn’t think so. So technically it’s not your house or your room so shut the fuck up and be grateful your parents didn’t throw your ass out 3 years ago.

December 11th, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

Cheap Whine

Dear Bubba,

My girlfriend and I both own our own homes and have about the same mortgage payment. She ends up staying with me most of the time because I live closer to where we both work.
I recently found out that she has been AirBandBing her condo a lot of the weekends when she stays with me. I feel taken advantage of even though it doesn’t really affect me whether her place is empty or she’s getting rent.
What is the etiquette on such an arrangement? Should I be getting a cut?

Signed,
Weekend Roomie

 

Dear Weekend Gloomie,

She’s putting out, isn’t she? Fortunately, you’ve got that going for you ‘cause from what I read, you ain’t got much else. You’re a whiner and a cheap ass.
Don’t feel taken advantage of, feel stupid that you didn’t think of this great idea first. She’s obviously much smarter than you and if you spent a little more time thinking this through instead of complaining, you’d realize she’s put in the work and she’s taking the risk of renting her place to strangers. What if her place gets trashed and she incurs damages? Do you want a cut of the expenses too? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

December 5th, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

I smell a pack rat…

Dear Bubba,

I’m trying to downsize. I have a World Book Encyclopedia set from the 70’s plus yearbooks I’d like to find a home for.
My kids are living on their own and the books haven’t been opened in years. I refuse to throw them away.  Any ideas?

Signed,
Packing

 

Dear Packrat,

The Boy Scouts immediately come to mind. Why haul a box of kindling to the campsite or scrounge around the woods looking for sticks when you can just bring a book?
Also, they say one man’s junk is another man’s treasure so there’s probably someone out there that thinks your worthless shit is still valuable. Do you have any hoarders in your neighborhood? I mean, besides yourself?

 

November 27th, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

Eat my Dust

Dear Bubba,

My son was cremated as he had requested, but he also asked that his ashes be spread far away from home, which would require us to take a long trip to do. Would it be disrespectful not to accommodate that part of his request? If we did that, we would have no part of him near or with us. Do you have an opinion?

Signed,
Dead Serious

 

Dear Deadbeat,

Do I have an opinion? You mean besides me thinking you’re a cheap asshole? Not really. But I do have a solution that is win-win.

You know those postage paid envelopes that come with your junk mail? Every time you get one of those, sprinkle a little bit of Johnny’s ashes into the envelope and send it off. It may take a few months but eventually your son’s ass will be spread all over the country. Hell, you can even send him to exotic places like Hawaii or mail him to Trump as a campaign contribution! The best part is you won’t have to spend a dime fulfilling your son’s final wish.

Now, about keeping a little bit of Johnny for yourself – before you start mailing his dusty ass all over the country, take the box of ashes to the back yard for one last little “chat”.  Oops! You accidently drop the box and some of the ashes spill out! Oh well, you can pick them up as best you can, but I’m sure a little bit of Johnny will still be left behind for you to enjoy.

November 22nd, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

Wham Bam thank you Ma’am!

Dear Bubba,

My granddaughter has not made any attempt to write thank-you notes for her wedding gifts. The wedding was several months ago. She has made many excuses like, “Oh, it’s a busy time.” She said she didn’t have money to buy cards.

She had a beautiful wedding and a Caribbean honeymoon, funded partially by the money she received as wedding gifts.

I have been texting her with reminders, to no avail, so I finally sent an email telling her that I am very upset that neither we (her grandparents) nor any of my family have received a thank you. I said we would not be sending a Christmas gift this year, since it is obvious that it is not appreciated.

My daughter (her mother) is a little upset with me, but I only said what I feel. Is this OK?

Signed,
Some Thanks Please

 

Dear Thank Police,

No it is NOT OK, you self-centered glory whore. Congratulations! You’ve managed to alienate and piss off every member of your family. I’m guessing it’s been pure hell putting up with a lifetime of your coercing, nagging and pontificating. I think I can speak for the whole tribe when I tell you  “Take your Christmas gift and shove it up your ass!”
Here’s a way to earn their thanks, though. Stop nagging them. For that I bet they’ll be forever grateful. Just don’t expect it in writing.

 

 

 

November 13th, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

Gimme some Scratch

Dear Bubba,

I’m wondering how to approach a situation following a visit with some relatives. We enjoyed a wonderful visit and they were very nice to put us up in their guest room. A few days into our stay, I woke up with strange and very itchy bites on my legs and shoulders. When I mentioned it to our host, she quickly supplied me with some itch cream and changed the subject.

After we returned home, we met a few of our relatives and they mentioned that this particular household was experiencing bedbugs. I was shocked and a little hurt that they didn’t mention the infestation or warn us ahead of time.

We’re in the process of making sure we didn’t bring any of these critters home, but if we must hire an exterminator or replace furniture, we will be in a bind financially. What would be the proper way to address this, and should our host feel some responsibility for costs we may have to incur?

Signed,
Itchy

 

Dear Son of an Itch,

I totally agree, they should reimburse you. Just be sure to deduct it from the room and board you owe them you cheap, fucking ingrate! Let this be a lesson to you- The next time, pay your own way instead of sponging off of your kind and decent relatives and then thinking up ways to fuck them over.

If you think you can get me to sympathize with your imaginary tale of woe, think again. I only have two words of advice for you-  BITE ME!

 

 

November 6th, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

the World’s oldest Profession

Dear Bubba,
Last year I found out my husband borrowed $3,500 from our savings account and gave it to a female co-worker. When I asked where the money had gone, he lied to me.

It has been more than a year and the co-worker hasn’t repaid the money. She comes up with cockamamie excuses, but has plenty of money to buy gifts for her grandkids and new clothes for herself. When I contacted her about it, she called human resources on my husband! He said no one at work likes her and she has a lot of personal problems.

Our marriage has been rocky, and we need this money back. What’s really going on here? How do I get her to start paying back the money? I have reached the end of my rope and my husband is no help whatsoever. He gets mad whenever I ask about the money. Some advice, please?

Signed,
Needs the Money

 

Dear Money Bag,

My advice? Shut your fuckin’ cakehole. We both know what’s going on here. She’s giving him some and you aren’t.

If it makes you feel any better, think about it this way- Every time your husband begged for sex and you didn’t put out, you took him for $20. Now think about all those times multiplied by thirty years. Subtract the $3500 and you still owe him about $115 grand.

 

 

October 30th, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

A Sponge by any other Name…

Dear Bubba,

I’ve been living with my mom in subsidized housing all my life.
I just turned 25 and am engaged to my girlfriend. She moved back to her hometown (out of state), while I finished my education.
I’ve been excited about the idea of starting a new chapter in my life, but am worried on how to break it to my mom because it also means she will have to move out of the apartment that’s been her home for 16 years. I don’t want to make her sad.

Signed,
Scared Son

 

Dear Son of a Bitch,

You’ve been sponging off of mom your entire adult life so I think it’s time you helped her out. Invite her to move in with you. That way she can sponge off of your fiancé, just like you’re gonna do!

 

 

October 23rd, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

The Lonely Bull? No, the Lonely Ass!

Dear Bubba,
I am an only child who was raised by parents who were approaching 50 when I was born. There were no other children on the street where we lived. I attended a tiny religious school that was several miles away from where we lived. I grew up very alone, and I learned to like being alone.
And that is my problem: I like being alone, yet everyone around me assumes that I am lonely because I’ve never been married and have no children or other social ties.
I like people only in very small doses. I can enjoy being “interested” in a new person for an hour, but then I really have no desire to ever see them again. With considerable effort I can pretend to be interested in my co-workers’ lives for 10 minutes at a time, but really all I want is to do my job and then leave so I can go do the things that make me happy.
My idea of a perfect day is to go hiking alone, and then eat solo at an ethnic restaurant that serves some type of food I’ve never tried before while socializing with the usually foreign staff, and then attending a lecture at a nearby university — or go home and read. I have done many activities with other people, but I find their company exhausting.
I also find it too stressful to lie and pretend that I have family obligations or some other made-up reason why I don’t have time to be someone’s friend.
So what do I do? Telling the truth that I’m not interested in even being social, let alone being someone’s best friend, ends up hurting people’s feelings. And telling polite lies leads people to just try harder to persuade me to socialize. How do I cope with a world that is focused on “social connection” when I am alone but not lonely?

Signed,
Lonely Bull

 

Dear Lonely Bullshit,

Two words. FUCK OFF!


 

October 17th, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

It’s THEIR fault!

Dear Bubba,
 I have two sons, and my sister-in-law has three children: two girls and a boy.
Neither of my boys is interested in sports, but one niece and my nephew are involved in several sports. As a result, their grandparents go to many games and spend a great deal of time with that side of the family.
Recently, the grandparents bought a new RV and invited my nieces/nephew to go camping with them. My children had no such offer. When my husband confronted his mother on this matter, she said he was just being jealous. But she still hasn’t invited our children camping, nor have their grandparents had any contact with them in a month.
My husband feels that we are left out a lot. My in-laws’ response is typically that it’s just that they go to the games. Is that a valid reason to spend more time with part of the family over the other part of the family? Wouldn’t taking the non-athletes camping be a great way to get that quality time, since they pursue less popular activities?

Signed,
Feeling Hurt

Dear Hurtass,

I’m guessing that there’s more to this than you’re telling. Could it be that besides being uncoordinated, your boys are obnoxious, whiny little shits just like their parents?

 

 

October 7th, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

Wah, wah, wah!

Dear Bubba,
My grandmother gets on my case all the time because I don’t clean the bathroom every day. She grew up in the ’50s and ’60s and was a stay-at-home mom to two boys. However, I am a graduate student with a part-time job. I spend hours studying, and when I get some free time, I use it to do things I actually want to do.

My grandmother insists that everyone she knows/knew cleans their house every day, and when she talks about cleaning the bathroom, she doesn’t mean just picking things up; she means spraying down all surfaces and getting out the bleach or foam spray to clean down the bathtub. I don’t think she understands that no one I know — at least my age — cleans their house that way every single day, and that because I’m busy most days and often tired, I don’t want to come home and clean the whole house.

Am I lazy, or am I right in telling her that I will not deep-clean my bathroom/apartment every day? (I think deep-cleaning every two weeks is fine.) The free time I have is precious. How often is appropriate?

signed,
Southern Marie

 

Dear Preppie LaPew,

Boo hoo hoo. What a whiny little bitch! How the hell does your Granny know you don’t clean the shitter every day? Does she come in and inspect it?  Why not just tell her you do? I’ll tell you why- because your letter reeks of bullshit. Tell the truth- you’re living in her house and sponging off of her generosity, and now you’re trying to weasel out of your responsibilities!0 Do her a favor and move out. Get a place of your own that you can trash. Then she won’t be “on your case all the time”.

 

 

October 3rd, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

Payback time!

Dear Bubba,
My 40-year-old son is in an abusive marriage. His wife hits him, locks him out of the house, calls him humiliating names, has alienated him from his friends and family, etc.

He has lost 70 pounds and developed dangerous stress-related symptoms. He’s a shell of what he once was. He acts confused and disoriented, rather than our smart, capable and popular son. It’s heartbreaking.

He has tried to leave her, but she gets hysterical, threatens suicide and begs him to return. He gives in.

They have two small children who witness this abuse. He’s very worried about the kids, but is so broken down he doesn’t feel capable of caring for them on his own. We’ve told him we will care for them, but he tells us it’s too much of a burden.

She refused to attend counseling after one session. My son continues to go on his own.

It’s hard for us to be good in-laws when we’re aware of this. She often blows up at us if we try to talk about it. We are sick with worry about our son.

signed,
Mom

 

Dear Mom-Mamia!

You can’t change someone. You son is who he is- a wuss. So now it’s time to put your fucking money where your mouth is. YOU stand up to her. But don’t be stupid about it. You have to have a game plan and boy, do I have one for you!
Go to her house when your son and kids aren’t there. Be sure to bring a few ‘witnesses’ who you can trust and will back up your story. Kick the livin’ shit out of her and tell the cops she attacked you and it was ‘self defense’. Be sure to do a good job that will require at least a few days in the hospital or if you’re lucky, the morgue. Repeat as necessary.

 

 

September 26th, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

Grow some

Dear Bubba,

I am a working professional with twin 9-year-old boys and my girlfriend recently moved in. I have them only a couple of days each week and like to make the most of our time together and choose my battles carefully.

My girlfriend is making them miserable with strict expectations, and tolerates no behaviors that are somewhat annoying, but fairly normal for kids. (She has never had children.) I feel miserable about it too. When I go to talk with either of them nicely about why they are “in trouble” … again … in private, she follows me and interrupts when he begins talking to me and says there is to be no dialogue — they just have to follow the (her) rule. Period.

I am swallowing my various thoughts about things now that I see this dynamic developing, and telling myself just to stay the course. I want to stay the course and eventually get married as we had planned on before she moved in.

What are your thoughts on our chances for a happily-ever-after? Is this just a bump in the road?

Signed,

Not having a ball in Seattle

 

Dear Balless,

Get a small jar and fill it with water. Place 2 grapes in the jar and put the lid back on. Place this jar in the fridge.
Every time your kids come complaining to you about your girlfriend, explain that there’s nothing you can do because your girlfriend took your balls. Show them the jar in the fridge and tell them those are your balls.
Your chances of happily ever after is zero-  just like you.


 

 

September 18th, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

Stupid is as stupid does

Dear Bubba,
 When I first found out that I was pregnant, I was across the country on vacation. I wanted to tell my mother in person, but I was so excited that I wanted to tell someone, so I called my friend (my only friend), and I made her promise to not tell anyone!
The next morning I got a call from my Mom. She told me that my friend messaged her and said that I was pregnant. I was enraged and called my friend and started yelling, cussing and calling her rude names.We have forgiven each other, but our relationship is not as strong. Deep down I am still angry.
This friend has lost a lot of friends by telling other people’s business or by posting it online. I’ve just learned not to tell her anything I don’t want repeated, and now we don’t talk much. Five years later, I’m pregnant with baby No. 2 and everyone knows — except her. I’m visibly pregnant now, so if she sees me she’ll know and be hurt that I didn’t tell her. Every time I want to tell her, I get angry again.

Signed,
Mommy with a grudge

Dear Mommy without a brain,

What a horrible piece of shit! Not your friend, YOU! You told a known blabbermouth a secret and then you got upset with her for being herself? It’s no wonder you only have one friend!
Here’s a question for you- If you’ve forgiven her, why are you still so pissed off? It’s a shame you can’t be honest with yourself. I think your friend is a saint for putting up with your stupid ass.

 

 

September 11th, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

Blab, blab, blab

Dear Bubba,
Nine months ago our daughter, a sophomore in college, told us she had a girlfriend and thought she was bisexual. It didn’t go over well, and I called one of my siblings (there are six of us) to ask for help and support.
I asked my daughter if she wanted me to tell family members. She was emphatic that this was a private journey for her.
My sister asked me if she could tell our other siblings. I repeated what my daughter said. I also stated that my husband and I would rather not make any of this public until we all felt we were ready to do so.
Three days later, that sister visited two other sisters and told them my daughter was gay. A short while later, one of those sisters told another sister and also our mother.
When I confronted the initial rumor-spreading sister, she told me I was “engaging in destructive dialogue” and wouldn’t talk further with me. She has not apologized.
I am beside myself with anguish over this betrayal of trust, and I do not know that I can ever forgive my sisters for their extreme callousness, insensitivity and lack of compassion.
Also, I have no idea what to tell my daughter (who is currently dating a boy). She and I are seeing a therapist together. Any advice?

Signed,
Brokenhearted Mom

 

Dear Judas,
You’re the one who spread the rumors you twat! You betrayed your daughter’s confidence and have since spent your time trying to blame someone else when it is all totally your fault.
How long did it take before you started blabbing everything to your sister? Did you at least wait 5 minutes after you got off the phone with your daughter before stabbing her in the back?
I guess in a way it’s her fault for trusting a potatohead like you. I’m sure from past experience she should have known you couldn’t keep your big mouth shut.
My advice is to get down on your hands and knees and crawl across a mile of broken glass, begging your daughter for forgiveness. Then shoot yourself in the fucking head.

 

September 4th, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

Winter’s Bonehead

Dear Bubba,
One of my family members likes to leave a vehicle at my place for the winter. I have not asked for money. As time went on, I was thinking this wasn’t right, so I checked around at the local storage places nearby and got several quotes. Many were more than $500 to $600 for winter storage.
I decided to charge $200 and thought that was plenty fair. That family member insists that I should not charge family. I don’t see it that way. After this person drops off the vehicle, I don’t see him again till summer. We aren’t close. What’s your take?

Signed,
Out of Space

 

Dear Spaced Out,
What’s MY take? My take is you’re a sniveling weasel. But what’s your point?
You originally agreed to let him store his car on your property as a favor. But now that you’ve had “time to think”, you got greedy and decided to figure out a way to get some money out of him.
So at least be honest. Help him out if you have room to spare, or tell him you don’t want his piece of shit ugly-ass car on your property and to get it off your fucking lawn or it will be towed away.
If you’re really hurting for cash, sell his engine and tranny.  Say someone must have stole it. That shouldn’t be too painful- like you said “We aren’t close”, right?

 

 

August 28th, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

Gravity’s a Bitch!

Dear Bubba,
I have fought obesity all of my adult life, and my weight has yo-yoed over the years. My problem is, when I go to the doctor’s office and I am taken to the exam area, the scale is right out in the open where other patients come and go as well as all the office personnel.
Mind you, I don’t care if I am weighed in the presence of people walking around — if they don’t peek. However, when the medical assistant is done weighing me, she reads the scale out loud.
I have put up with this for years. Recently, this medical assistant weighed me and I just knew she was going to “announce” my weight. This time there was a man I could tell was a patient, standing nearby at the reception window staring intently at me getting weighed.
Because I was sure the M.A. was going to say it out loud, I started to cough to try to muffle the sound of her voice. It worked, but then she acted irritated because of my coughing, so she repeated it loudly.
I was very embarrassed, to say the least. When the doctor saw me, I was afraid to say anything as I didn’t want to get anybody in trouble.
I graduated from medical assistant school many years ago and I remember the registered nurse who was our instructor taught us to never say out loud somebody’s weight when you weigh him or her. It only makes common sense. I no longer want to go back to that doctor’s office.
Do you have any advice for me when this happens again? I say again because it happens at other doctor’s offices I visit as well.

Signed,
Sick and tired

 

Dear Fat, Sick and Tired,
Did the nurse blurt out “holy shit!” before announcing your weight? Heh heh, just kidding. I can sympathize with you sister ‘cause I’m a fat-ass myself. The difference is- I don’t give a god damn flying fuck who knows my weight. It’s just a number. Why the hell do you care what they think anyway? These people aren’t blind! They can see your big ass taking up the entire hallway. They KNOW you’re a tub of lard! They’re just curious if there’s a weight limit on that scale, or maybe the girls in the office have a pool going.
My advice to you- keep that fork out of your mouth or accept the fact that gravity treats everyone equally.

 

 

August 21st, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

Carpe Do-em

Dear Bubba,
I have plans to go to law school in the next two years. I have already taken the entrance exam, and will receive recommendations from two of my college professors. The problem is, my parents are refusing to co-sign for my law school loan.
Dude, I’m not asking for money; I’m just asking for someone to co-sign the loan for me. I plan to pay off the debt myself. I don’t want to ask an extended family member for help, because even if they agree, I’d feel horrible if it prevented them from helping their own children with something.
My parents don’t have a good enough excuse to not co-sign for me, and it surprises me that it doesn’t embarrass them that I may have to ask another family member for help. What should I do?

Signed,
Future Lawyer

Dear Schiester

If I were your old man, I’d lend you the money because I’m convinced you’d make a great lawyer. I can tell by reading your letter that you are a conniving, self-righteous ass hat with no morals or scruples. You were born to be a lawyer!
Perhaps you can come up with one of those ‘iron clad’ contracts to prove to your folks you got the chops and also to reassure them they’ll get paid back. And if you’re really good, you’ll add some hidden clause imbedded deep within the legalese that will enable you to fuck ’em out of their money “just in case” things don’t work out.

 

 

August 14th, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

Diss and Dat

Dear Bubba,

My mom died of cancer last year at the young age of 63. (I am 30.) Not one member of my husband’s mother’s family (other than my mother in law and father in law, whom we live with) acknowledged her death in any way. There were no phone calls, no sympathy cards, no “I’m sorry for your loss,” NOTHING.

My family and I were extremely hurt by their behavior. We feel that some sort of apology or explanation is in order.

Some members of my mother-in-law’s family are now nearing death themselves, and I know I will be expected to go along with my husband, in-laws and their extended family to the various services “out of respect.” The problem is, my respect for them no longer exists. Any advice?

Signed,
Feeling rejected

 

Dear Reject,

Wow! Your mother must have been a real bitch! They must be dissing her and not you.  I mean, what reason would they have to diss you?  It’s not like you’re 30 years old and still sponging off your in-laws or anything…

 

 

August 7th, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

Yawn…

Dear Bubba,

My wife and I are friends with a couple we have known for many years. When the four of us eat together, it’s obvious to me that the husband directs the conversation toward my wife. Even when the topic is general in nature, his eye contact is with her to the point where it makes me uncomfortable.
On a cruise last year, when we ate together regularly, I intentionally sat across from him and sure enough, he talked diagonally across the table to my wife. I have always made a conscious effort in mixed company to direct the majority of my conversation toward my male counterpart and not his wife. I feel that it’s more appropriate.
I really don’t think there is any threat from him, maybe just bad manners on his part. How should I handle this? Should I ignore it or make him aware of it?

Signed,
Bothered

 

Dear Bother,

Jesus fucking Christ! You bore the shit out me!

 

July 31st, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

A Ring for the Winner!

Dear Bubba,

My sister and I have no interest in body piercings (except our ears) but we have seen it on friends and are not impressed. Our 44 year old mother, however, got her nipples pierced and has started wearing jewelry there!
Our parents are divorced and she’s not in a relationship right now, so it’s not to impress a man. She says she did it to feel good about herself. She takes off her top to show her female friends when they come over, and we can see them literally roll their eyes, but she doesn’t seem to notice.
She has now started showing off her piercings to our friends. I’m talking about girlfriends, but even so, we find this beyond embarrassing. They’re polite to her face but laugh behind her back and word about it has spread, which we find humiliating.
If she wants to make a fool of herself in front of her friends, that’s one thing but we don’t think she has the right to embarrass us in front of our friends! What can we do?

Signed,
Embarrassed

Dear Bare-assed,

For the sake of argument, let’s say it’s true. My guess is- you’re jealous. Your mom is 44 so that makes her a MILF. I bet those ole titties are holding up great and probably putting you and your sister to shame. And your girlfriends are a shitty source for judging tits. Leave that to us guys, we’re the professionals.
But I’m calling bullshit on this one. Pictures or it didn’t happen!  Send photos of your mamma’s titties along with some shots of you and your sister’s rack for comparison. Be sure to include front and side angles. You know where to reach me.

 

July 24th, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

Snob the Builder

Dear Bubba,
My family is in the process of building a new home. We are living on-site (in a garage apartment) while our house is under construction.
A neighborhood family is in the beginning stages of construction on a home. This couple and their children have come by our construction site unannounced several times within the last few months. Upon entering our construction site, they announce that they are just, “Checking things out.”
My spouse and I are in the construction/design business, and we do not appreciate being used for free advice on everything from materials to products. No matter how unfinished the job site appears, this property is our home. How do we deal with these nosy and rude drop-ins in a mature and efficient manner?

Signed,
Bob the builder

Dear Bobblehead,
Who stuck the power drill up your ass? For Christs sake, these people are your neighbors, you bitter condescending asshole. They’re neither nosy nor rude, they’re being friendly, which is more than I can say for you. If you want them “off your property” put up a cyclone fence like the real professionals do. Jeez, I pity them having to live next to a jerkoff like you!

 

 

July 17th, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

Period! Nuff Said.

Dear Bubba,

I need help developing a response to a very rude question. My daughter recently turned 13. It seems that every time we go to a gathering and the moms get together talking, someone will ask me if my daughter has gotten her period yet.
It isn’t even a question from people I’m close with or who really know my daughter. She would be mortified if she knew that people fixated on it. What is a good way to reply that it is none of their business without seeming rude?

Signed,
Mortified

Dear Morticia,

There’s 2 ways of dealing with this- The next time one of these ignorant assholes asks about your kid’s period, shout at the top of your lungs “Oh my god! You’re asking about children’s periods?! Are you a pedophile or do you just have some morbid fetish?!”
If that doesn’t shame them into silence, try the passive approach- Go to staples and buy some of that sticky-backed paper for your printer. Print up some bumper stickers that say “Ask me about my period”. The next time someone broaches the subject, quietly excuse yourself, step outside and slap one of those stickers on their bumper. See how long it takes for them to figure it out.

 

 

July 10th, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

Fat Chance!

Dear Bubba,

Last year my husband and I traveled across the country to visit our son and his family. The visit was not a friendly one. My daughter-in-law made herself unavailable. She was never rude but was never at home when we were there. She did not go out to eat or on drives with us. My son always made excuses.
Finally, my son said I had really hurt her feelings. The first night we were there, I made a comment about how much weight I had gained. My daughter-in-law got mad because she assumed I was not talking about myself but about her. Nothing could be further from the truth. I have always had a weight problem and would never comment on someone else’s weight.
We were not invited back last Christmas and have not seen them since then.
The problem is we have been invited to visit again and have bought the plane tickets. I am dreading it. What if I say something else that sets her off again? I always tell my son to tell her “hello” and send my love when I talk to or e-mail him, but visiting for a whole week is a long time to be neglected. She always seems to be not on speaking terms with someone in her life — family or neighbors. She is very sensitive. How should I handle this?

Signed,
Baffled

Dear Clueless,

I’ll tell you how you should handle this- get down on your hands and knees and kiss her ass! Your entire letter reeks of bullshit. You think by putting a spin on your story this somehow is not about you and your big fucking mouth?
The first thing you did on your visit was insult your guest. Forget about painting your daughter-in-law as “sensitive” to justify your idiotic rationalizing. Everyone can see through that but you! She didn’t mistake a damn thing. You’re a fucking clod and I don’t blame her for avoiding you completely.

July 3rd, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

In a Perfect World…

Dear Bubba,

I had an affair years ago, and I recently confessed to my spouse that our child isn’t his. Things are really bad now between the two of us, and I don’t think we are going to make it. My question is, do I tell my child the truth?

Signed,
Imperfect

Dear Imp,

What difference does it make to you,  you lying fucking whore!

 

June 25th, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

Embrace your Inner Slut

Dear Bubba,

Four years ago, I had major affection for a man. We talked every chance we could. There was lots of flirting, eye contact, and this overwhelming feeling of bliss- butterflies in the stomach- all of that.
The problem was, he was married. Once I realized it, I was devastated because I understood what I wanted could never be.
I still hear from others that he says he misses me, but this is old news. Now there’s someone else and it’s the same old thing, just a different setting.
I feel guilty for crushing on unattainable men. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I like someone who is available? I’ve liked guys my own age before, and ones who were single, but there’s something exciting about older, unavailable men.
I don’t want to feel this way, but I know that when I try to fight these feelings they just become stronger. I won’t act on them, but I wish I could change them. How can I?

Signed,
Guilty

 

Dear Guilt-tease,

Want to know what’s wrong with you? Nuthin. You’re a slut, that’s just the way it is. You like older, unavailable men because being a whore is your nature and I’m not one to advise against going contrary to one’s nature.
So embrace your sluttiness and start putting out to these geezers while they still have lead in their pencils. I promise you- God will smile upon you and he’ll certainly smile upon those lucky old farts.

 

 

June 19th, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

Get a Grip!

Dear Bubba,

I am deathly afraid of snakes! My daughter who lives in Canada, recently informed me that they had acquired a snake through a teacher at my grandson’s school. Of course the three boys are thrilled!
My problem is, we are going to visit my daughter and her family in a few weeks. I am terrified to the point of losing sleep and breaking down crying just thinking about it. What should I do? I want to see my family but there is no house big enough for me and a snake.

Signed,
Basking in fear

 

Dear Basket-case,

You’re the type of idiot who causes a 10 car pile-up on the freeway, killing innocent people and becoming a quadriplegic all because a bee flies into your car!  Yes, you have a fear of snakes. Well I do too- if it’s a fucking cobra or a big-ass rattlesnake! That’s called common sense. The snake you’re talking about is harmless so therefore your fear is an irrational fear and there’s no cure for that.
So ‘fess up and tell your family “I can’t come to visit because I have an irrational fear that is keeping me up at nights and causing me to be hysterical for no logical reason.” If that seems too hard to do, simply get busted by the cops. Something as minor as a DUI will do it.  The Canadians won’t let your ass in their country even if you begged them.  You’ll be ‘persona non grata’, just like me!

 

June 12th, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

I’m gonna git you sucka!

Dear Bubba,

Years ago when I was married, I bought a beautiful 2 carat diamond ring as a sign of my accomplishment at work. Now that I’m divorced, I continue to wear the ring on my wedding ring finger.
I love the ring but my Mother and friends say I am chasing away suitors who mistake it for an engagement ring. Do you agree with them? I don’t want to wear this on any other finger and have no plans of giving it up.

Signed,
Stubborn

 

Dear Stubs,

Tell your Mother and your friends to fuck off and die. They are totally wrong. By wearing the ring on your wedding finger, you aren’t chasing away suitors, you’re attracting them. Of course these suitors are married men who want to fool around- the type who are perfect for a selfish, egotistical, self-centered bitch like yourself.
It’s pretty clear you take what you want so keep that shiny hunk’o bait out there for the world to see until the right fish comes along. My hunch is- it’ll be a suckerfish.

 

 

June 5th, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

Harping Harpie

Dear Bubba,

My husband and I have two kids (5 and 3) who listen about as well as all other young kids, leading me to repeat directions a lot. I have kind of accepted that they have a learning curve, but what about my husband? Frequently he will listen long enough to catch keywords and then proceed as if he heard everything. For example, I will ask him to grab a couple of things we need as I head to the car with the kids, and he will grab the first thing and that’s it.

He will frequently look like he is listening and even respond with an affirmative nod when I am done speaking, but it’s like he literally just tunes in for a few seconds and then tunes back out.
I am at the end of my rope dealing with a house full of people who don’t listen. Is there anything I can do here or am I just stuck repeating myself for eternity?

Signed,
Sick and Tired

 

Dear Sick,
Show the man some respect. If you want something, get off your fat lazy ass and get it yourself.
I find it funny that you say “a couple of things we need” when it’s actually “a couple of things YOU need”.  If it’s something HE actually needs, he’ll get it or go without it. Simple as that. He’s tuning you out for a reason- you’re a harpie. If you keep treating your old man like a foot servant, you may one day find his foot up your ass.

 

 

June 2nd, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

Chatty Cathy

Dear Bubba,

I need help developing a response to a very rude question. My daughter recently turned 13. It seems that every time we go to a gathering and the moms get together talking, someone will ask me if my daughter has gotten her period yet.
It isn’t even a question from people I’m close with or who really know my daughter. She would be mortified if she knew that people fixated on it. What is a good way to reply that it is none of their business without seeming rude?

Signed,

On the Spot in NYC

 

Dear Spotty,

There’s two approaches you can take when dealing with a clod. First one is to humiliate the fuck out of ’em. Next time that question pops up, start ranting very loudly. “Are you a pedophile!!? Why are you asking about my underage daughter’s period!? Are you sexually aroused by children’s periods!!?  Get away from me you fucking slimeball!” Now this approach doesn’t always work because, let’s face it- you’re dealing with clods. So there’s a 2nd approach…
Go to Staples and buy some of that sticky back printer paper. Make up a bunch of bumper stickers that say “Ask me about my period”. Then the next time the question comes up, say “excuse me for a moment” and go outside and put the bumper sticker on their car.

 

 

May 24th, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

Chatty Cathy

Dear Bubba,
I’m happy with my new part-time job, except for one part — my co-worker. She talks all the time. We close the shop together four or five nights a week, so I need to find a way to work with her without losing my mind. It’s incredibly tiresome — fatiguing, really — to constantly monitor the sound of her voice to discern whether she’s speaking to me or just talking out loud to herself. I’ve taken to saying “Sorry?” when she speaks to me without first getting my attention, or to ignoring her. Neither feels nice.

She knows she talks all the time — she even says, “I talk all the time.” So how should I respond to that? “Yeah, and it’s incredibly annoying…?” Probably not. Suggestions?

Signed,
Earful

 

Dear Fearful Earful,

“Shut the fuck up!” That’s all you need to say. You’ll be amazed at how quick and effective that phrase can be. I’ve never had to repeat it but if your co-worker is extremely thick, just repeat as necessary- “Shut the fuck up!”
Now the air may be a little ‘icy’ after that, but you can’t have everything. Enjoy the silence.

 

May 15th, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

Just enough rope…

Dear Bubba,
I’m thinking of giving my two weeks’ notice. It’s a job I truly love. The work is great, and I’m doing something that I really enjoy.

The job has one downfall — my boss. It is just the two of us in one small enclosed office (in a residential senior center), so I spend 80 percent of my day around her.

She is extremely poorly spoken, uneducated, computer illiterate and very unkempt. She is very rude to me, other employees and oftentimes our residents. She rarely shows up to work on time and leaves early, and says to me, “If so-and-so calls, don’t tell them I left early.” Her boss works in a different location, so they do not get to see this side of my boss.

It has been a struggle to go into the office every day knowing what I will face when I get there.

When giving my notice (to the remote boss), they’ll ask for feedback. How do I write a polite “feedback” letter stating all of the above? If I were to send what I just wrote to you, my boss would most likely be terminated immediately. The head of the company takes our “image” very seriously. I absolutely think that my boss does not belong in the current role she is in, but I’m not sure how I would feel, knowing that my words got her fired.

I know it’s never good to burn bridges — should I give feedback regarding the job itself or should I go for it and tell my true feelings about the job and the supervisor?

Signed,
Torn

Dear Torn Ass,

You chickenshit! This is your chance to be the boss! You have one person standing in your way and you’re going to quit? What the fuck is wrong with you?
Where do you think LBJ would have been if he let JFK stand in his way? I’m not saying shoot your boss in the head but get rid of that useless piece of shit! She’s making it easy for you- almost too easy. Round up a few of those whiny, disgruntled senior residents. I’m sure they’ll be more than happy to rat her out.
Sometimes someone will hand you just enough rope to hang themselves. In this case the bitch is giving you an ample supply, so hoist her ass up by the neck for the world to see, then sit back and relax in your new found empire.
Now tear that notice up and get to work doing what you’re paid for! -and don’t forget ol’ Bubba when you get your raise.

 

 

May 7th, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

Business is business…

Dear Bubba,
A mechanic told my daughter that he would fix her car for free if she slept with him. This saddened me, and I shared this with my husband. My husband continues to take his business to this man, and it annoys me. I would prefer our money go to someone who respects women. Am I wrong?

Signed,
Upset

Dear Uppity,
Hold on a second. Are we talking a full ring job or a simple flush of the pipes? And what type of repair did your daughter’s car need?

 

 

 

 

May 1st, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

Sloppy Seconds

Dear Bubba,

I have an issue with my fiancé, who enables his 39-year-old divorced daughter. I watch her manipulate him into buying her things (a house, trips, etc.), and if she doesn’t get those things, she gets physically ill and then he feels sorry for her and buys her anything she wants.

It has interfered with our own goals and plans. If I say anything, he denies he’s in this pattern with her and blows up at me. I go back and forth between thinking it’s none of my business and wanting to speak up when it delays our plans for the future.

After the most recent incident, I wonder if I should move on. I don’t think I want to marry into this family pattern and his denial about the part he plays in it.

Your perspective on this would be helpful.

Signed,
Slopped in 2ndPlace

 

Dear Sloppy Seconds,

It must really suck to know someone is more manipulative than you. How dare his daughter try to take her father’s money away that you are entitled to! I like how “our goals and our plans” are actually “YOUR goals and YOUR plans”!
Tell me, has he given her any of YOUR money? I didn’t think so you fucking vulture.  Do him a big favor and go circle a different carcass.

 

 

April 24th, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

Pray I don’t kick your ass!

Dear Bubba,
I use a wheelchair as a result of a congenital disability. I am in my 30s. Recently I was sitting outside a cafe, drinking a cup of coffee, when a man at a nearby table approached me and asked if he could pray for me. I shrugged and said OK. He then proceeded to grab my hand and asked Jesus to “heal” me. Then he continued to explain to me — at great length — all about how I could be “healed” if I “accepted Jesus into my heart.”
I realize this man meant well, but I can’t help finding his behavior a tad presumptuous.
First of all, my spirituality is very personal to me. I don’t wave it around in public or shove it in other people’s faces, and I don’t like other people doing it to me. Second, I’ve been disabled since birth, so I don’t have any experience of what it is to be otherwise. I’ve never considered myself to be “sick.”
I have a loving family, many good friends and a rewarding career. The conditions of my life are already fulfilling. The wheelchair is just transportation.
Is there any way I can say no to these kinds of approaches without coming across as rude?

Signed,
Sitting Comfortably

Dear Sitcom,
Why not be rude?  Subtlety doesn’t work on ignorant clods. The next time some self-righteous holy-roller asks if he can pray for you, point at him and shout at the top of your lungs, ‘Satan, get thee from me!”

 

 

April 17th, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

I’m in the mood for….  FUCK YOU!

Dear Bubba,
When my husband is in a bad mood, he becomes very short and snippy to me. He sometimes specifically tells me that he’s not annoyed at me, just generally, so it’s clear that there’s nothing I can really do. Regardless, it makes me feel upset and uncomfortable and continues to affect me for some time after I talk to him. It feels personal even though it’s not. I need to work on my own reactions here, right? Because I can’t change his? How do I do that?

Signed,
Befuddled

Dear Fud,
I wish all the questions were this easy to answer. When you talk to him on the phone, your conversation should go like this-
“Hi honey! Are you in a bad mood today?”
“Yes.”
CLICK.
For dealing with him in person, have a t-shirt made up with these words printed on it-
“Looks like some ASSHOLE didn’t wipe”
Put this shirt on anytime he gets shitty with you.

You’re welcome!

 

April 10th, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

Mrs. Right….now

Dear Bubba,
I grew up in a broken home, always believing it was my father’s infidelity that caused my parents’ divorce. I vowed never to become the other woman in someone else’s marriage. Then I met him. We met online and eventually in person. At the time, he told me he was divorced and was not looking for anything too serious.

After a few months of fun and exciting times with him, I learned some things that contradicted his story. But love, as they say, is blind, and I overlooked them.

When I learned I was the other woman in not one but two of his relationships, I was devastated and heartbroken. We’ve broken up several times. He blamed me for sending him too many messages.

I feel as if the only time he’s been truthful is when he said I was a “mistake,” he “hates” me and he wishes I were “dead.” The guilt I have eats me alive. He also gave me an STD.

I am doomed for life and feel dirty. I should have known better. I want to call him out to the other women he is involved with, but I am just as at fault as he is. What should I do?

Signed,
Feeling Dirty

 

Dear Dirt,
Sounds like you owe your dad an apology. I’m not sayin’ your dad was right in the choices he made, but in your situation it’s pretty obvious who the fuck-up is. Even after knowing this man was married, you continued on your hypocritical ways.
So I agree, you are doomed for life and you are a dirty cock-sucking whore with no moral values. What I’m wondering is- why can’t I meet girls like you?

 

 

 

April 3rd, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

What about ME!?

Dear Bubba,
 My brother, who is over 45, has become engaged to his boyfriend of four years. They are planning an extravagant wedding and reception, estimated to cost around $85,000. Neither man can afford this kind of expense. So they have asked for financial assistance (a gift, not a loan) from our parents.

The problems is they can’t afford this on their own and want money with no expectation to repay. My mother does not support gay marriage. She does not feel she should be pressured into providing money for something she does not believe in herself.

My brother is bullying her, giving ultimatums and brow-beating her for this money. In the past, she has lent him large sums of money, which he struggles to repay.

It is very upsetting to see this transpire. My mother is constantly upset and worried. I have tried to stay out of this mess and let her make her own decisions. I feel he is out of line, and I want him to leave her alone. He has been disrespectful, rude and arrogant. Emotional blackmail is unacceptable. How do I handle this?

Signed,
Torn Assunder
Dear Torn Ass,
In traditional marriages, the parents of the BRIDE pay for the wedding. Even though your brother sounds like a Bridezilla, he’s obviously the pitcher, not the catcher. My advice to your parents is- tell him to get his girlfriend’s parents to pay for the wedding!
The bottom line is- what’s it to you? Your folks can do whatever they want with their money and you have no business interfering. My guess is you’ve got your eyes on mom and dad’s cash and you don’t want your sister fucking up your inheritance.  So my advice to you is- GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!

 

 

March 26th, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

Dog eat dog

Dear Bubba,

My neighbors asked me to watch their dog while they went on vacation. Initially, it was just one dog, and a fellow neighbor would also help. As their departure date neared, I learned that my fellow neighbor wouldn’t be helping and I’d be watching both of their dogs, including a puppy that was not house-trained. The puppy had diarrhea the first three days they were gone. I went to their house three to four times a day for the 10 days they were gone, walking each dog (separately) once a day — all while balancing stay-at-home-mom duties to my young children. Every time I went over, there was a mess. I spent $50 on cleaning supplies.

In hindsight, I realize my mistake was not getting payment arranged and in writing before they left. They brought back about $25 worth of gifts for my sons, but it has been three months and I’ve yet to see any money. My husband and I have given a few friendly verbal reminders, but now we are both irked. I feel disrespected and angry. Do you have any suggestion as to what I can say or do to again attempt to get some money?

Signed,
Doggone Mad

 

Dear Mad Dog,

Wow. I can see you’re a real animal lover. That should make getting your money back a lot easier….have you thought about dognapping the little shit machine and holding it for ransom? These neighbors don’t give a fuck about paying you back. My guess is- they don’t give a fuck about that damn dog neither.
So test these ingrates and find out where they really stand. Just don’t be stupid about it.  Wait for them to post one of those ‘missing dog’ signs, and don’t respond unless they offer a reward. That’s when you ‘miraculously’ find their dog and return it.
On second thought, they suckered you the first time so maybe you’re too much of a sap to pull this off. It’s probably better that you just offer it to a few Chinese restaurant owners. You can probably get  a couple of bucks- per pound!

March 20th, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

Paybacks are Hell

Dear Bubba,

I found out a few months ago that my husband “Kal” the father of my children, has had affairs with five different women. I left and we are now getting divorced.
I desperately wanted revenge so I have been secretly seeing Kal’s best friend “Don” whom he forbade me from contacting after I told him his infidelity and disrespect gave me permission to act on the attraction I had for Don. It’s just a friends with benefits situation and I am having fun, so I don’t really consider it to be revenge.
Kal has spent the last 5 months begging me to forgive him and work on our marriage. The last woman Kal cheated on me with is his current girlfriend. He told me that if I ever want to hook up, I should make sure to use code words when leaving messages because she might see my calls and text messages.
I slept with Kal recently to have leverage. I was contemplating sending her the proof as payback, although I don’t want her boyfriend back. I am now questioning if this is the right thing to do. Should I just leave it alone?

Signed,
Payback is Hell

 

Dear Hell,

They say opposites attract but you and Kal are two turds in the same bowl. You’re a fucking slut no better than your two-timing old man so I really don’t know why you’re harboring so much resentment.
However, having said that, the best way to satisfy your thirst for revenge is to binge, so my advice to you is to start sucking every Tom, Dick and hairy dick you can find. Take pictures and send them to everybody. Hell, even post them online! That’ll teach him! It might not make you feel better, but John Q. Public will thank you. And if  you’re ever in the area of the prison, stop by and see me. They allow conjugal visits so I’ll help you get even.

 

 

March 12th, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

Fat Chance!

Dear Bubba,

I recently went on a cruise with several other women. I was friends with one of them but didn’t know the other ones. I am overweight. One of the other women, “Agnes”, is also overweight, in fact, heavier than me. She’s very proud of being Christian but she made a comment in front of several people, that she didn’t mind going places with me because with me around, she didn’t feel fat.
I was so stunned I remained silent. Actually, I was afraid that if I spoke I’d say too much, but I felt very hurt and ashamed. Even though I tried to ignore it, this has bothered me for months and I don’t know what to do.
Should I say something to Agnes or continue to ignore it? I don’t really want to be friends with her now because I don’t know what kind of snide remark may come out of her mouth next.

Signed,
Taken Aback

 

Dear Fatback,

Your ass may be big, but your skin is way too thin. For Christ sake, lighten up. When she said she didn’t mind going places with you ‘cause she didn’t feel so fat, she was trying to say she was glad you were there because you make her feel less self-conscious. It was actually a compliment!
Imagine if you had responded “and when I’m around you, I feel like Angelina Jolie!” You both would have had a good laugh and may have become best of friends. But instead you decided to act hurt and wallow in your self-pity.
Do yourself a favor- stop going on cruises with friends. Instead, stay home with a case of Twinkies and a twelve pack of Coca-Cola and enjoy the safety of your comfort food.

March 6th, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

Queer Ass Folk

Dear Bubba,

My husband and I have lived in our quiet suburban Denver neighborhood for six years.

About two years ago two young gay men moved in across the street. They’ve taken the ugliest, most run-down property in the neighborhood and remodeled it into the pride of the street. When it snows, they shovel out my car and are friendly, yet they mostly keep to themselves.

Last month I went out to retrieve my newspaper and watched them kiss goodbye as they left for work. I was appalled that they would do something like that in plain view of everyone. I was so disturbed that I spoke to my pastor. He encouraged me to draft a letter telling them how much we appreciate their help but asking them to refrain from that behavior in our neighborhood. I did so and asked a few neighbors to sign.

Since I delivered it, I’ve not been able to get them to even engage me in conversation. I offer greetings but they’ve chosen to ignore me. They have made it so uncomfortable for the other neighbors and me by not even acknowledging our presence.

How would you suggest we open communications with them and explain to them that we value their contributions to the neighborhood but will not tolerate watching unnatural and disturbing behavior?

Signed, Plain ol’ straight folk

 

Dear POS-

I’ll try and help you understand. See that dried up old dog turd over there by the side of the curb? Walk over there and carry on a conversation with it. If you can’t imagine why you would do such a thing, you’re on your way to understanding why they won’t talk to you.  By the way- that turd looks and acts a whole lot more Christian that you and that piece of shit hypocrite pastor you confide in.
It’s a shame they can’t take the ugliest, most despicable narrow –minded dinosaur on your block and turn it into a human being. If they could, YOU’d be the pride of THEIR street.

 

 

February 28th, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

Pass this!

Dear Bubba,

My Mother passed away a few weeks ago. The week after she passed, my husband did not stay home with me, not even one day. It was the loneliest, saddest time I have ever experienced. I feel he should have stayed with me. He says all I had to do was ask. Well, I don’t think it was up to me to ask to be comforted. Who do you think is right?

Signed
Grief

 

Dear Good Grief,
Jesus Christ woman, this guy is at fault because you had a ‘feeling’ and the poor bastard’s supposed to read your mind?
This guy just gave you one of the most incredible, unique, and deepest experiences you will ever have- you said so yourself, and this is how you repay him? Did you ever think maybe he was grieving in his own way, or is yours the only way that matters?
I’m guessing he might miss her more than you do. “A few weeks ago?” For fuck sake, it was your mother and you don’t know how many weeks ago she died? I just hope to hell she left you something- you’re gonna need it.

 

 

February 21st, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

Should I stay or should I go…..

Dear Bubba,

I just got asked to my first high school dance by “Justin” a boy I really, really like. I don’t know what to do, what to wear, or what to say. I don’t even know how to dance. I’m so afraid to mess this up.
Justin is very popular and has done this before, but I haven’t. He’s my best friend and I’m scared of losing him because I’m not good enough. Should I go or just call the whole thing off and stay home? What should I do?

Signed,
Inexperienced

Dear Newbie,
First of all, quit wiggin’ out. You say this guy is your best friend and you don’t want to lose him. You mean as a friend? Or have you already made plans that he’s not aware of? Nevermind, you want to know what I think you should do. Well, here’s two options.
Number 1: Be the same downer of a person you are now. Tell him to find a girlfriend to take to the dance and that you want to just be friends.
Or you can choose number 2: Join his club and start exuding some confidence in yourself, whether you got any or not. Dress your ass to the nines. Here’s your first dance lesson- wiggle your butt like you’re writing your name with it.
At the end of the night, put out. It’s that simple. Even if it doesn’t go to the next level, I don’t know of any guy who would turn down a friend with benefits!

 

 

February 13th, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

Praise da Lord!

Dear Bubba,

I was raised in the Christian faith by my parents who were pastors. As I reached my teens, I realized that those beliefs didn’t really fit so I stopped attending church. All through college I stayed away. My time away only helped to solidify that, in terms of belief, Christianity wasn’t for me.

After I graduated this year, I realized that I missed the community and ritual of the faith and the church. There are a number of churches in my area, but I feel guilty attending one when I don’t believe in the same things as the other members. My family always taught me to be considerate of the beliefs of the people around me, and it seems dishonest to go to a service and listen to prayers my heart doesn’t embrace. I’d still like to attend church. Have you any suggestions for what might be a good course of action? Should I stay or should I go?

Signed,
Unorthodox
Dear Dox,

If community and ritual are what you’re after, there’s an organization that meets every Sunday that is perfect for you. It’s called the NFL.
Buy some season tickets and join the other faithful each week as they chant and worship the name of their football deity. You can paint your face in the team’s official colors and chant hallelujah with each score. A good thing about this religion is- you won’t find a bunch of two-faced hypocrites acting all pious on game day. But the real plus is those tailgate parties. Sister, they are kick-ass!
If your city does not have a team, there are plenty of sports bars you can go to that will serve up communion each week. You won’t be drinking the blood of Jesus, but a pint of Guinness comes pretty damn close!

 

 

 

February 7th, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

Toy with this idea!

Dear Bubba,
I have a lot of collectible toys stored in my attic that I bought for my stepson more than 30 years ago. Now that he knows about them and what they’re worth, he wants me return them to him so he can sell them. He says he’s entitled to them. Am I obligated to give them back?

Signed,
Stepdad in NJ
Dear Evil Stepdad,
Let me guess, does this kid have red hair? The fact that you’re even asking me this question tells me you’re a real cheap fuck. Did your stepson leave those toys in the attic many years ago, perhaps when he escaped? And how does he now ‘know’ about them? I’m sure there’s more to this story (like how he fucking hates your guts) but unfortunately you left that part out of your letter.
Regardless, you said it yourself, the toys are HIS. You’re not expecting some storage fees are you? For Christ sake, you’re not keeping them in an air-conditioned safe deposit box, they’re in your shitty old attic. I’m thinkin’ he should kick your ass, then sue it.

 

 

January 31st, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

Saving face….book

Dear Bubba,

I have been married for a year. Before we met, my husband posted pictures of his ex on his Facebook page photo album. I have asked him to remove them because I feel insulted and hurt. I don’t think it’s right that he’s keeping her photos on his page now that we are married. I think it’s disrespectful and inconsiderate.
We have been fighting over this and it’s ruining our relationship. Can you enlighten me about this?

Signed,
Feeling 2nd

 

Dear 2nd fiddle,

I’ll be happy to enlighten you- it’s pretty common that after the wedding, the man stays the same and the woman changes. Your husband has done nothing different but suddenly you’re hurt and insulted. I have a sneaky feeling the ex must be pretty hot and that is what really has you upset. Remember, it’s not his fault your feeling like chopped liver.
My advice is to change your attitude and accept him for who he is. If not, he may have pictures of 2 exes on his Facebook page- that is, if he has a wide angle lens big enough to squeeze your fat ass into the picture!

 

 

January 24th, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

Don’t wait it out!

Dear Bubba,

I Met Charlie about a year ago. He is one of the nicest men I have ever met. At the time, I didn’t realize he was a mama’s boy. But after we started dating I noticed he’d repeat everything I said to his mother.
Charlie loves my cooking and has told me I cook just like his mother. I’m not so sure that’s a good thing. I really like him but I don’t know if I can handle him being a mama’s boy. If he could cut the apron strings, we could have a great relationship. He treats me like a queen. He respects me and never says an unkind word to me, but if I cook a meal for him and his mom decides she wants him over, he’ll cancel on me.
Charlie is 51 and hasn’t been in a serious relationship in years. I’m falling in love with him. What do I do and how should I handle this?

Signed,
Second place

 

Dear Seconds,

New flash! When there’s only 2 people in a race, 2nd place is called LAST PLACE. You may think Charlie treats you like a queen but that role belongs to his mother. You are not the queen but a princess. A spoiled, creepy little princess. The fact that this man treats you so well and all you can do is complain says a lot about your character- you’re shallow. You said it plain and clear- if only HE would change, our relationship would be great. Why the fuck don’t YOU change?
Now there is one thing you are providing to Charlie that hopefully his mom isn’t, and that’s pussy. You say he’s 51 so I’m guessing your shelf life is getting pretty stale which brings me to the obvious question- How old is this bitch? She’s got to be pushing 70 so can’t you ride it out for a couple more years? If not, the answer is to off her. Just don’t go buying life insurance on her ass and make it so obvious. There’s plenty of ways to get her out of the picture, just be sure to make it look like an accident.

 

 

January 17th, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck…

Dear Bubba,

I’m 25 years old and in jail. I’m gay and have battled heroin addiction for the past 7 years. I managed to clean up my act for almost 2 years and during that time I enrolled in college, got engaged and regained the respect of my family. I was starting to have a normal life but then I relapsed.
I need to know why, when things are going well for me, that I feel as if I don’t deserve happiness. I have no self confidence and I self destruct. I’m very unhappy and need to know, how can I fix this?

Signed,
Need to get on track

Dear Needle track,

You need to find out who you really are and be that person. That’s the way to true happiness. In 7 years of your adult life, you’ve only managed to be sober for less than 2 so that means you’re a druggie. You may deny it but thems the facts. –and with your attitude, I think being a career criminal is in your future too. Face up to it and be that person.
Did you know that taking it up the ass and shooting up are the surest ways to get AIDS? So look on the bright side and realize that by being a ward of the state, your medical bills are now fully covered. Some would say you’re lucky! I’m glad I was able to cheer you up.

 

January 10th, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

I spy…a loser!

Dear Bubba,

I have a neighbor “Mrs. Sponge” who I often see in another neighbors yard, “Mrs. Spiker” when she is not home. I have seen Mrs. Sponge pick vegetables from the garden and take them to her house. I have also seen Mrs. Sponge connect an extension cord that runs back to her house in the winter months when Mrs. Spiker is away.
While it’s possible Spiker doesn’t mind that Sponge is sharing her stuff, it does seem unusual. We have a security camera in our backyard so I think this is discouraging Mrs. Sponge from coming onto our property.
Should I tell Mrs. Spiker about these incidents and if so, what is the best approach? Should I mind my own business? I would consider someone a good neighbor if they told me someone was stealing from my property but I can’t assume others feel the same way, especially since they seem to be friendly toward each other. What would a good neighbor do?

Signed,
Looking out

 

Dear Snoop,

If you were a good neighbor, you would know what to do. But you are not a good neighbor, you are a sniveling, peeping tom with nothing better to do than to spy and rat on others.
If you had a life, you would make a small effort to know your neighbors and if you were a decent sort, they would consider you their friend.

 

January 4th, 2016             smartass advice raunchy humor

Chew on this!

 

Dear Bubba,

A couple of years ago, my husband decided to become a vegetarian. I know it’s his choice but I feel it is a big detriment to our marriage. There are restaurants we can’t go to since they don’t serve vegetarian food. I would love to have a real Thanksgiving dinner with all the trimmings, but that is out. I love to cook but mostly it is cooking for one, unless I want to go vegetarian.

One of my biggest pleasures has been taken from me. If I divorce him it will still be single cooking, but I won’t have to pretend I am part of a household. Do you think vegetarianism should be grounds for divorce?

Signed,
Meateater

 

Dear Meathead,

No, vegetarianism isn’t grounds for divorce but I’ll tell you what is- being a stupid fucking whore!
You’re stupid to be asking such a question and you’re a whore because you’ve already made up your mind to dump this guy and now you’re looking for someone to justify your decision.
Your man stopped eating meat but it looks like you’re the one craving meat more than ever. What’s really going on in that shallow wooden top of yours? Perhaps meat’s not on the menu in the bedroom either? Don’t worry, you can come over to my house and I’ll give you a sausage that’ll make your eyes water!

 

Funny relationship and love advice every week with ‘Ask Bubba’. Read those asinine answers from Dear Abby and Amy, then get the real cold, hardcore answers you’re really looking for!
Read more of Dear Bubba’s funny advice from 2015

Clever Funny Wordplay – Bizarre Word Bazaar

4 thoughts on “Dear Bubba is Funny Relationship and Love Advice

  1. omg! you are fucking hilarious! i love the way you think!
    i am a woman, however, i share your views on women and am writing a book for men, about relationships with women and alerting them to our major dysfunctions… and i think that you might enjoy my twisted humor… it started with jokes… like.. houses are better than spouses because……you can go in your houses back door any time you want to… and because… an energy efficient house is not just a lazy bitch!… and probably 40 others…. the attitude of the book is that equal is as equal pays… and don’t get married unless you can afford to have three wives and are willing to commit the felony of polygamy…because, as you said, married women don’t put out, they don’t diet, exercise, etc… and having two wives, a man is at risk of being murdered, by the two, in kahootz.. but, three women can not get along, and will always be competing.. therefore, sucking it like a porn star! trying to stay the thinnest, most beautiful, most accommodating, etc..
    anyways… i really hope to hear back from you, and i hope you are still active in your advice giving! i cracked the fuck up! and just HAD to tell you that you are fucking great!
    Rebecca.

  2. I find all of the articles on this blog so hilarious.. I woudln’t stop reading if I didn’t have to close the laptop once in a while.. xD

  3. I personally believe that this blog should be much more famous than it is at the moment simply because it can make anyone laugh or at least smile at any time of the day!!

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