Funny Relationship Love Advice
Now listen up fool!
This ain’t ‘Dear Abby’ this ain’t “Ask Amy”,
Oh boy it’s 2018 already! This year it’s more hard core advice. I ain’t cuttin’ ya’ll no slack. Find my past columns in the 2017 archives, 2016 archives or 2015 archives link. So forget the other advice columnists. Read MY answers to these stupid questions. -Bubba
My partner of 11 years has decided he is no longer in love with me. He says it’s because he thinks I cheated on him. I have told him repeatedly that it didn’t happen, which is the truth.
Long story short, he says he wants us to start over as friends and see where things go because he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone right now. However, he’s sleeping with a 22-year-old here in the home we share. I love him so much that it hurts. When I tell him every day that I love him, he tells me he knows. Our relationship hasn’t been a bed of roses, but we did have good times when we were able to do things together. Should I hold out for him, or tell him the “friends” thing is not going to work and cut ties altogether?
Confused and Lost Guy
It sounds like you’ve getting fucked in the ass….figuratively! You’ve bent over forwards for this guy for way too long so now it’s time to make a break and find someone new.
Take a cue from your female counterparts and do like they do- make his life a living hell. That’ll learn him!
Be Your Own Boss!
I’m 29 and I’m having trouble holding down a steady job. I am a college graduate, and it’s not because I don’t like to work. My problem is I have a strong personality and I tend to butt heads with management. Deep down, I think I’ll only be satisfied with a job if I’m the boss or own my own business. Do you have any suggestions about positions for someone who can’t handle having a boss?
It’s not that you can’t handle having a boss, it’s that you can’t hold a job because you’re a complete jackass. No one wants you and your liberal arts piece of shit college degree if it involves putting up with your bullshit!
But don’t worry, you can be your own boss and you can start today! It’s easy. Do you have a black marker and a piece of cardboard?
We are a couple in our 70s living in drought-stricken Southern California. Our dearest friends moved to Nevada three years ago, and we visit them often.
What drives me crazy when we visit is the way they use water. When we finish a meal, my hostess will go to the sink and rinse the dishes before putting them into the dishwasher. I mentioned to her that it was only necessary to scrape the plates, that the dishwasher is designed to wash dirty dishes, and she agreed — temporarily. The last time we visited, she was back to her old habits. Also, she runs the dishwasher when it’s only half-full, instead of waiting until there’s a full load.
I realize that Nevada is not having a drought, but I find her water waste very upsetting. I’m aware that it’s her house and her water and she can do what she wants, but is there anything you can suggest that I can say or do to get her to cut down on her water usage?
Parched in So Cal
Dear Old Parchment,
I wish I had a garden hose right now. I’d spray you right in the fucking face!
One for the Team
My wife and I are in our 60s. We have been married for some time and are very open-minded. She keeps insisting that she does not remember her first sexual experience. I would be curious to understand why in the world, unless someone was inebriated, the person would not recall this huge milestone.
I dunno, maybe because she blew the entire high school football team? For Christ’s sake, there were 22 of them! And they were wearing their helmets! Give the bitch a break.
Years ago my uncle sexually assaulted his three girls. He got away with it by leaving the country while on bail. Several years ago, he returned, and now thinks we should all “get over it.”
He is insisting on a visit with me to “catch up.” He’s always been a clever bully, and won’t take NO for an answer, despite me putting him off for years. I’m worried he will just show up here. What should I do?
From a pay phone and in a cordial tone of sincere reconciliation, invite your uncle over to ‘catch up’. Leave the front door unlocked but don’t answer it. Being the pushy bully that he is, he’ll open the door and walk right in. That’s when you shoot him right in his fucking face. You’ll be doing the world a favor. If anyone asks- “Hey, it was an accident! I thought it was an intruder coming to rape me!”
It’s a Clutter-fuck
My husband and I have been married for seven years, and I care for him deeply. When we got married, I sold my house and he kept his as a rental, because he wanted the rental income. We bought a larger house than I wanted, but he wanted acreage and a detached garage. I did not realize he just wanted to fill the extra space with junk.
He now has a two-car detached garage full of stuff he collects and buys. He has two tractors, two four-wheelers, six trailers, four riding lawnmowers, about five rolling toolboxes, many desks and a wrecked car. If he sees a “good deal,” he buys it. I used to think that he would buy something and then resell it to make money, but he does not part with anything. He has to have two or more of everything, and most of it is junk.
I am 65 and have serious health problems. I cannot handle the stress of all this stuff we do not need. I get exhausted and feel smothered. I want to live a stress-free, minimalist lifestyle. He laughs and makes fun of me when I try to explain to him how I feel. That hurts! When I ask him to just clean up the messes or to get rid of stuff, he says, “Wa-wa-wa-wa! Get used to it because this is me.” I am not sure I can get used to it. I find myself longing for a nice, neat cottage somewhere.
Everybody says if I love him it should not matter, I say if he loves me he should hear me and try to make some changes. What do you say?
Start by giving the renter 30 days notice to move out because you have decided to move into the rental house yourself. There you will be happy in a big, empty, clutter-free ‘cottage’. Be sure to change the locks because apparently, your husband is a big part of the clutter. Lastly, stiff him on the rent. Let’s see how funny he thinks that is!
The woman I have employed to clean my house for several years has a very difficult life. She’s a hard worker, does a beautiful job and is completely trustworthy. But, like so many people in her situation, her financial situation is extremely precarious.
I pay her very well and am generous at Christmas, birthdays and so on. When she is faced with a sudden emergency such as her car breaking down, I will give her some extra money to tide her over. She always says she’ll find a way to pay me back, but we both know that won’t happen.
These extra amounts probably total around $1,000 a year, overall.
I am able to afford to help her, and am so glad to be able to do this. I tell myself that I choose to support her instead of a far-off charity, although I contribute to organized charities, too. She is always tearful and very grateful, but I am increasingly uncomfortable. I hate being put in the position of being her “last resort.” The last time she came to me, she needed $300.
I would feel awful knowing she was going to lose her apartment or something, but I cringe when she walks in the door, wondering what it’s going to be this time.
How do you think I should handle this?
Dear Kindly Taken For,
I say put your comfort first and fire the fuckin’ bitch! Send her off the edge! She’s had a hard and unlucky life so she’ll be used to that kind of adversity. Now you can treat her like any run of the mill blood-sucking friend or relative.
Do I hear an “Amen”?
I’m 56 and I still don’t know what to do with my life. I have no real talents or passions. I have about 1,000 interests and hobbies, but none that I could turn into a career. I got to the point I was so miserable at my last job that I quit before lining up another job. How can I convince potential employers that I can do something different when I don’t believe it myself?
You’re fucked up! I know 16 year old kids that have a firmer grasp on life than you do. What are you waiting for? And what the hell have you been doing for the last 30 years? Anyway, I’m not sure why you want to do this so late in the game. If you procrastinate for another 9 years, you’ll be at retirement age!
But you wanted to know how you can snow your future employers and the answer is easy- do just like everybody else and lie like hell on your resume! Fudge the shit out of it and make it sound like you can walk on water.
Speaking of walking on water, I have the perfect career for you. I think you should try organized religion. You want to convince others of your sincerity but you yourself are insincere. You’d make a great religious leader. Imagine a full time career trying to make people believe in something you don’t believe in yourself. It’s right up your alley!
It may be the booze
I’m an alcoholic. My husband blames it for everything that goes wrong in our life. I love my husband and I don’t want to leave him however, he is blind to the similarities to his overeating and smoking. I’m at my wit’s end. He is constantly pointing out to our friends that I’m not supposed to drink. I could be as nasty as he is and point out his smoking and binging but I don’t.
I’m sick of being humiliated and tired of feeling like I owe him something because he overlooks me being an alcoholic. How can I get him to see that these things are all addictions and hard to kick, and that he should quit looking down his nose at me?
He overlooks you being an alcoholic? Were you in a drunken stupor when you wrote this letter? Your husband sounds like a saint to put up with your worthless, drunken ass and your argument is invalid. You’re reasoning is like comparing a serial killer to a jaywalker because they both break the law!
There ain’t nothin’ you’re gonna do to make him stop except put a cork in your bottle.
Did you ever think that perhaps he’s looking down his nose at you because you’re on the floor? You’re feeling humiliated not because of your husband, but because you’re a drunken buffoon. There’s a saying “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” so I suggest you get on the twinkie bandwagon and light up a big fat one. Why just have ONE vice?
In a World…
I recently went to the movies with my daughter. It was stadium-style seating, where you pick assigned seats. The young couple to our immediate right was talking throughout the previews. Not a problem. They continued talking when the movie started.
I waited a few minutes, then leaned over and politely asked them to “please stop talking during the movie,” to which the young man replied, “No.” They then continued to whisper during the movie.
What else could I have done? To find an usher, I would have had to climb across the row, past 10 other people. The only other available seats were in the first three rows.
It was a distraction for the entire movie. Outside of raising my voice to tell them to stop (so others could hear), what should I have done?
Unfortunately, there’s not much you can do except notify the usher. Here’s a suggestion- have you tried a theater in a white neighborhood?
I’m in my early 20s, and I always wanted to be in a relationship. Lately, I’ve been feeling that whenever I get a guy’s number, I feel like the guy only wants to use me for one thing. I know two guys who want to use me.
I met up with one guy last year. He has a girlfriend, but he’s using me as a side chick. There is also a guy I met last month. He has a girlfriend, too, and wants to use me as a side chick. I don’t want this. I just have no idea how to tell both of them that I don’t want to be used as a side chick anymore. What do I do?
Done Being Used
Dear 2nd string,
How stupid can these guys be? It’s time to put your foot down! You’re no fool! Demand that YOU be the ‘girlfriend’ and the other girl be the ‘side chick’!
I am 13 years old and addicted to video games. I would wake up early in the morning and just play on the weekends until they asked me to stop.
It has gotten to the point where my mom has bought a safe to keep the controllers in. I have gone through her desk desperately and found the key, which I later told her I had taken. Please help!
Addicted to Games
There’s nothing wrong with video games! They build dexterity and eye hand coordination which you’ll need in the future when humans are half-computer and integrated with microchips and circuit boards.
I wouldn’t worry too much. You’re already showing your smarts by how you figured out how to ‘beat the system’ by finding your Mom’s key. A good paying job like hacking or burglary could be in your future.