Funny Relationship Love Advice
Just ’cause I’m locked up don’t make you no smarter. Now listen up fool!
This ain’t ‘Dear Abby’ this ain’t “Ask Amy”,
this is Dear Bubba Funny Relationship love advice.
Yo wassup? 2016 is over, thank God! I hope y’all enjoyed last years columns. This year it’s more hard core advice. I ain’t cuttin’ ya’ll no slack. Find my past columns in the 2016 archives or 2015 archives link. So forget the other advice columns. Read MY answer to these stupid questions. -Bubba
I don’t like most photos of myself, and I prefer people not post a picture of me on social media. I think I look fine in person, but I am not photogenic.
This morning I deactivated my Facebook account because once again — there I was, faced with a photo of myself. Even if I choose settings that don’t allow this, my spouse and I have some mutual friends, so if he “likes” the photo, then I will see it.
My husband thinks I overreacted by closing my account. He wants me to see a therapist. I think he’s the one overreacting. What do you think? Do I need to see a therapist?
Not every photo of you is gonna look good. Everyone takes a bad picture every now and then. Hell, look at my ugly mug!
Some people think they’re not photogenic because every picture of them looks like shit. Well guess what? You look like shit! You just fooled yourself into believing that you look better than you really do.
Face it- the camera doesn’t lie 100% of the time. So what do I think? You look like shit! You don’t need a therapist to tell you that!
“Don’t say change, say Cha-ching.”
My partner and I have been together for more than 15 years. We are not married, and now we are in our 40s.
He developed a serious health issue after we became serious in our relationship. For the past many years, he has had an “apron” of extra weight, and is far over the safety range, worsening his condition.
Our families are very supportive of us getting married, especially because he nearly died on us three years ago.
Even with all my education, research, and all my dedication to his situation, I have had little influence on what he does, or eats, or if he exercises.
I have tried to show him that we can stay together forever, just as things are. BUT I have also tried to explain to him that financially, we need to be married to secure our retirement.
He is on disability, and I have spent the last 10 years working from home to be here for him. Neither of us has a high enough income to make it independently once we hit retirement age. I want guidance on how to motivate him to make good decisions.
I have tried to get him to go to counseling, or support groups. He won’t do either, but is clearly suffering from long-term depression resulting from the many problems that his condition has caused. I cannot motivate him.
I say the “Serenity Prayer” every single day, but there has to be something else that would work. Do you have any recommendations?
Desperately Seeking Enlightenment
Get off your fucking knees and go buy some life insurance on his almost-dead ass! Next, start frying up some bacon and stocking up on his favorite whiskey.
Remember, a candle twice as bright burns half as long so instead of extending this poor bastard’s misery, light him up and send him out with a bang!
Give it up!
My wife seems to only want to have sex with me when I’m supposed to be at work. It’s really flattering, but I am at risk of losing my job. We don’t have enough savings to last more than a couple of months if I’m out of work. She wanted me to call in sick today, but I didn’t know how to say no without offending her. Help!
Between a Rock and a Hard-on
Go ahead and give her what she wants. What’s another 30 seconds anyway? If not you, I guarantee it will be some other Tom, Dick or hairy Greek an hour after you leave the house.
I have been in two relationships. The first was with a girl a couple of years older than I am. We were together for several years before she cheated on me and dumped me. I was crushed. The next girl was a few years younger. She did the same thing after we were together a year.
What am I doing wrong? Fidelity is important to me, and they both knew it from the start. How can I avoid this in the future?
I have never been a controlling person. I was always fine with my girlfriends going out with their friends without me if I couldn’t go for some reason. (That’s how they ended up meeting the other guys.)
The people in lasting relationships I’ve seen watch each other like hawks, and never allow their significant other to be in the company of the opposite sex without them. Is this normal? Should I be like them? That seems controlling, but clearly, my “no boundaries” relationship style has backfired on me.
I see a pattern. You’re attracted to whores. It’s just that simple so let’s cut the shit. You won’t change and they ain’t gonna change so… you ever thought of goin’ Mormon?
I was divorced 23 years ago. Before I started dating again, I got a hairpiece and have worn one ever since. Some people are aware that I wear a hairpiece, including my current wife of 20 years. It does make me look a lot younger.
I will be turning 55 this year. I’d like to stop wearing the hairpiece and shave my head instead because I have only a fringe of my own hair left. How should I go about it without getting 50,000 questions from friends and family, and what would be a good answer when I’m asked?
Hair today, gone tomorrow
Dear Hair Brain,
When someone makes a big change in their appearance, it’s normal for folks to notice and comment. So the best way to avoid 50,000 questions is to lose your hairpiece IN SMALL INCREMENTS.
Each day, start cutting a chunk out of your rug with a pair of scissors. Chop off only a small amount so no one will notice. It’s probably best to just whittle down the edges. After a few months, you’ll be left with nothing but a small piece of burlap at the top of your head.
Now you may be thinking “But I’ll look like a total ass!” Don’t worry. You’ve been looking like a total ass for the past 10 years with that pathetic, mangy ferret sitting on your noggin. The reason nobody’s said anything is because it deteriorated IN SMALL INCREMENTS.
One of my close relatives has a little dog that I loathe. It has often been brought to family gatherings, and every single time it annoys me considerably. The dog stays close to our dinner table and constantly whines for food and attention.
The dog’s horrible manners are obviously tolerated (and even encouraged) by the owners by feeding it from the table. This has ruined my appetite.
I will hold a gathering at our house soon. I feel that I am entitled to a great time in my own home without that ill-mannered beast, but, since they are very attached to it, I don’t know how to ask the owners not to bring it without offending them.
Dear Pet Loather,
They’re stomping all over your feelings and you’re worried about hurting theirs? The time for being kind and gentle is over. It’s time to get real!
Issue your invitation in writing with ‘No pets allowed’, and just in case these ignorant jerks disregard your request (and we know they will), you’ll need a ‘plan B’.
A day before your party, buy the nastiest goddamn Rottweiler you can find. The pound usually has a few of these ‘basket cases’ that they’ll be thrilled to unload. Be sure not to feed him so he’s good and hungry when your guests and their little ‘treat’ arrive.
Give ’til it hurts
My sister-in-law lives in another state, so she often mails my daughter’s gifts to us after she buys the items online. Then she expects me to wrap them. The icing on the cake? She’s now saying I need to add bows to these gifts, but she doesn’t send any money for the wrapping paper or bows.
I think this is very rude. My daughter thinks her aunt takes the time to purchase these gifts, when she’s only pressing a button and that is it. With everyone shopping online more and more, is this a new trend, to have the parents wrap gifts instead of the person giving them?
Online Gift Giving
Dear Gift Horse,
How the fuck would I know? Ya think I got kids here in prison? Be gracious with your sis and agree to wrap the gifts and add a bow. She doesn’t have to know you ‘wrapped’ it in a cardboard box and the ‘bow’ is actually strapping tape.
“Does my fat ass make my fat ass look fat?”
My boyfriend and I work out at the same gym. Over the past several months it has gotten back to me that one of the trainers, “Bob,” has been talking negatively about me to some of the other members. My boyfriend works out with another trainer there, and during his workout, I approached him and his trainer and expressed my anger about what Bob was doing. I said I was fed up and that I wanted to confront him.
My boyfriend told me to keep my mouth shut and say nothing. He said I shouldn’t take it personally, that Bob is just being a hater. He also said the person who told me shouldn’t have. I disagree. I don’t think it matters how it got back to me — it did! Last week, while his regular trainer was away, my boyfriend trained with Bob! I feel it was disloyal, but he disagrees. He thinks I should just let it go. What do you think?
What do I think? I think your ass is fat!
I recently left a relationship with a man who was emotionally and financially controlling, and frequently verbally aggressive toward me, complete with expletives and a physical threat. After we broke up, he would send me endless text messages and emails, calling me an evil whore.
Less than a week after I ended things, my best friend of six years (and current roommate) had sex with him. I came home unannounced to find him in our house; this led me to have an anxiety attack. She tends to get blinders when it comes to male attention, and he can be very charming (and manipulative) when he wants to be. She’s hanging out with him 24/7.
I do not feel comfortable. I’d like to have her in my life, but honestly — I feel betrayed. Is there any way to salvage this friendship, while keeping my ex out of the picture?
Your ex-boyfriend is a piece of shit. Your best friend is a piece of shit. They say you can identify your personality from the company you keep. Guess what?
Dog Eat Dog
I could use your advice. I go to a local dog park every day. Two years ago I fell in love with a guy there. He is the kindest, most thoughtful man I have ever met. Just standing next to him at the park and talking, I can feel electricity running through my body! But, the big problem is that he is married!
It is so devastating for me that I can never have the man I love in my life. I wish he could be my boyfriend, then husband, but since this will never happen, many a day I come home from the dog park and cry! He seems to really like me a lot, and we email back and forth often (all innocent). I tried to break it off with him once and didn’t go to the park for several weeks, but I was miserable not seeing him and finally went back and started seeing him again.
How do I get over him? I am sad seeing him, and sad not seeing him. I know we will never be together since he has been happily married for 30 years now. He is in his 60s, and I am in my 50s.
How should I handle this?
Dear Doggie Style,
Big results take bold steps. Shoot his fucking dog.
What’s your problem
I am a 50-year-old self-employed professional, and I have no friends. I know lots of people and have plenty of acquaintances.
I moved back to the Midwest about five years ago after getting divorced. I remarried recently and my husband is my best and pretty much my only friend. We met online. I know I need more than this, but I have not been able to connect to anyone socially here for much more than an occasional cup of coffee.
I don’t have children of my own. My stepdaughters are in college so there are no playdates, no kids to car pool to activities — or the usual things women do to meet and connect with others. Being self-employed, I don’t have the typical office crowd to socialize with after work.
I have tried to connect to other women via the Chamber of Commerce groups, but it seems I end up meeting people who just want to sell me stuff and don’t really want to form a friendship. I go to yoga classes and I go to the gym, but it seems that nobody really sticks around afterward to socialize. I tried to start a book club in my neighborhood but the only two people who joined have now moved.
I have been involved in volunteer organizations, which gives me something to do outside of work, but I have yet to meet people I really click with. I used to have a diverse group of friends when I lived in another state and I had plenty of friends in college, so I know I’m not completely socially inept. How else can I connect to people? Is it just me, or is making friends in middle age this hard for everyone?
Dear Lone Malady,
It shouldn’t be that hard. Have you tried mouthwash?
Size ’em up
I’m a 23-year-old girl who is still a virgin. I haven’t had a real kiss or dated, either. My mom and friends think it’s because I read a lot of romance novels and imagine something like that happening to me. Are they right? Will I ever find love?
It all depends. How big is your ass?
My new father-in-law always greets me with a hug and a kiss on the mouth. I come from a family who doesn’t kiss on the lips, and I find it extremely awkward. I’m not sure how to handle the situation.
I don’t want to bring it up to him because I’m afraid it would be offensive. I have mentioned it to my husband, who kind of shrugged it off, saying his father is “old school.” I have started turning my head when we greet so that he hits my cheek instead of my mouth. Please advise me on how to deal with this.
Turning a Cheek
Have you tried throwing up in his mouth?
Idle Hands, Idle Mind
My girlfriend and I have been seriously dating for almost nine years. She has a son who I have helped to raise. In January, I received several messages from her female co-worker’s boyfriend, indicating that they were having an affair. I asked for proof and was provided screenshots of texts.
When I confronted my girlfriend about it, she initially lied, but when I told her I had proof, she came clean. She tried to blame me for this affair, indicating, “I wasn’t around to talk to her.” She swears it was only an emotional affair. We are trying to work through these issues as gracefully as we can.
She has gotten a promotion and transferred to another location for work. This promotion is slowly consuming her life. She never leaves work on time, refuses to call me to tell me when she will be late. She even takes work home with her now.
We were due to arrive at a surprise party this past Sunday, and she didn’t leave work on time, which made us late. She acted as if it was no big deal. She senses my anger and frustration, but tells me I am controlling and she is trying to excel in her career. I am trying to be patient and supportive of her newfound success and ambition, but she doesn’t understand the impact on me, and how this is tearing me up.
Am I wrong for requesting a simple text or call indicating that she will be late? Am I wrong for worrying she’s cheating again, and this is why she isn’t communicating with me? Am I wrong for wishing she wouldn’t go into work on her days off because they are short-staffed? Please help me. I am on the verge of a breakdown.
Get a fuckin’ job you deadbeat!
There’s always one…
Could you explain to me why, as a species, men are so blind and stupid? There are millions of smart, funny, sweet, attractive — even sexy — eligible women to whom men do not give a second glance, or even acknowledge that these wonderful women exist. Then, these clueless guys moan about how they can’t find a good woman, can’t find love, have a hard time getting sex, etc., when there are scores of potentially awesome partners right under their noses!
Why don’t men ever grow up? Even men in their 40s, 50s and 60s suffer from the same stupidity about the dating scene as teenage boys. I repeat: WHY?!
Dear Woefully Ignorant,
It’s because of YOU! You’re the reason!
I speak for every single one of those million men when I say I would gladly volunteer to a lobotomy while having my balls cut off rather than spend an evening with you, you toxic boner repellant!
If you can’t beat ’em, fuck with ’em
My adult sister, 3,000 miles away, has been diagnosed with schizo-affective disorder. She hears voices that constantly harass her, and believes they belong to a former boss and/or the mafia. She was in counseling and on medication for a while, but didn’t like the side effects.
Now she aggressively asserts that she is not mentally ill. She admits she has never seen the people who yell at her, nor do others seem to notice the voices she hears. But she asserts that either they can read her mind, or she can read theirs. Any family/friend who suggests she get treated for the illness gets the silent treatment from her.
She just drove away her kind, patient and caring husband. He wouldn’t acknowledge the voices she hears; she thinks maybe he is part of a growing conspiracy to cover for her “oppressors.” She has no job, few friends, and is not near any family.
I would love to encourage her to go back to counseling, and maybe try different medicines. What can/should I do for her?
In the Deep End
Dear In the Deep-shit,
Invite your sister to lunch at a nice restaurant. Halfway through the meal say “Oh my god, did you hear that!? Al Capone just said he wants you to see a shrink!”
It’s an offer she can’t refuse.
Call ’em like you see ’em
“Don” has been my best friend since junior high school. He moved to the opposite end of the country over a decade ago, but we’ve stayed close for decades.
Don has always been what I would call a “big talker.” He embellishes every story and makes his life seem much bigger than it is. I have always accepted this about him and take his stories with a grain of salt.
Ever since he moved away, he has talked to me about “bringing me there” to work with and/or for him. After going through a divorce and once my kids finished school, he invited me to his time-share — all expenses paid. While visiting him, he said that any time I wanted a job with the company he worked for, that I should let him know.
I was laid off right before the holidays last year. I was shocked. I reached out to Don and mentioned his offer. Well, along came the excuses: “No one is in the office around the holidays.” “It’s slow right now.” “Things will pick up later.” I ended up getting a job with a different company several months later.
I felt incredibly slighted by Don. I thought — despite his “big talk” — that this offer was legitimate. Since then, I have dragged my feet answering texts, not taking his calls, etc. I would like to have my friend back, but feel quite betrayed by his lies. Should I just let this friendship of 35-plus years die?
I’m calling bullshit on your whole fucking story! See how easy that was? You should try it.
He’s a Winner!
I am a very youthful 64-year-old widower. My wife died two years ago. I feel ready for female companionship. I know several single women I could ask out, but how do I tactfully ask for (for instance) a single, unpretentious dinner date without them reading too much into it?
I would like to get out of the house, enjoy dinner and some conversation. I want to play a wide field. I might call the woman back in a few months, but not a few days. This is perfectly acceptable with my guy friends, so why would it be different with women?
I want any woman to understand that I might enjoy her company but that she should not expect contact (or another date) until the wheel spins and her name comes out on top.
Dear Casual Fiend,
The answer is easy- start your conversation by saying “Hi, I’m (your name) and I’m a fucking jerkoff!”
What’s your type?
We have a friend, “Allen,” who has recently lost touch with us and who we believe is being manipulated and emotionally abused by his significant other. Over the course of their relationship, his now-wife: has joined herself to Allen’s hip in that he can’t make plans with others that don’t include her; occupies about 90 percent of his social interactions when they do attend events and parties together; has drastically changed his diet (former meat-lover to hard-core vegan); has rushed him into their life events, including moving in together, proposing, getting married, buying a house, and has even named their future children.
I do respect that every couple is different and proceeds with such life events at their own pace, but it is known that she actually forced him to propose to her, throwing a tantrum at a mutual friend’s wedding a while back as they “still” weren’t engaged by then!
Since they got married in September, he has stopped speaking to me and a few of our other mutual friends where he was previously very close to us. I feel this is her doing, and she’s trying to control who he talks to now.
The thing is, Allen avoids confrontation like the plague, so he just lets this all happen, and refuses to respond if anyone tries to reach out to him. Some of us have asked him if he’s OK, if he needs help, etc., as he’s visibly miserable, but he just ignores us. It’s possible she even monitors Allen’s phone and computer.
Is there anything else we can do for Allen? Or are we forced to watch this horror from afar?
Dear Don’t Know Jack,
Get some popcorn! And speaking of movies, have you ever seen ‘Team America- World Police’? If you have, you’ll know there’s 3 types of people in this world – Assholes, Dicks and Pussies.
Allen is a pussy. Pussies get fucked. End of story.
My husband and I raised two great kids. Our son is now 30 and our daughter 28. Both of them finished college with high honors and with business degrees. They both got nice jobs in their professions.
We are atheists, but at 18 our daughter started dating a pastor’s son. His family and church started grooming her with their beliefs, so she would fit nicely into their family belief system and eventually marry.
After going off to college, that relationship ended, and she got serious with another pastor’s son. Again this fellow and his family groomed her to believe, get baptized, and go on mission trips to South American countries with the intent of her marrying into their family. Well, he dumped her. She quit her job, moved out west and joined an evangelical Christian group.
She pays them to live on their campus while they teach her about the Bible and Jesus. She raises funds for them by asking others for money to support her. She has been leading this extreme religious life for three years now with no intention to quit and get a paying job. She has rejected our traditional life, and seldom visits.
Her professional clothes hang in our closets and her stuff is in the basement. Her medical care is paid for by the state since she lives under the poverty level.
We are very sad about her decisions. We worry for her safety and her future. We grieve the loss of our beautiful daughter. We miss the way our family used to be. Now we have nothing in common with her. Any suggestions on how to cope?
No God Parents
Dear No-Good Parents,
Kids are always going to do the opposite of their folks. It’s just human nature. That’s where you fucked up. You should’ve occasionally included some religion into her early life, even something as simple as saying “Jesus Christ! What the hell are you wearing?” or “Goddamn! You’re developing some big titties!”
I noticed you never once mentioned whether your daughter was happy. You only mentioned that she’s ‘poor’ and ‘milking the system’. So get down on your knees and pray to your money God. Ask forgiveness before you die and spend the rest of eternity burning in hell.
I am a lawyer. I am financially secure, but I’m dating someone who has a LOT more discretionary income than I do.
He is the co-owner of a business with offices in several states. We have a lot in common and enjoy our time together, but as we have grown closer, I am noticing that the wide gap in income disparity is bothering me. I am not low-income, but I know my limits.
He has the ability to take frequent international trips and has asked me to accompany him. I have a limited ability to pay for travel (perhaps three or four times a year). He has offered to pay my way, but I am adamantly opposed to such an arrangement. I know I value my independence, and think that relying on someone else’s income creates a power dynamic that I do not wish to experience.
So we are left with him traveling alone several times a year and wishing I was with him. Before he left for his most recent trip, he asked if we can revisit this situation. I am trying to figure out a way to accompany him more often without overspending my budget. Is there a compromise here that I am not seeing?
Head comes to mind. …duh!
My parents and I were always close. However, recently they stole my debit card, my PIN and child support check. They forged my signature and spent the entire check, which was more than $1,000.
I am always lending them money. I have never said no when they needed it. To top it off, they lied to me about the check for an entire month. I only found out when I turned the fraud in to the bank and heard it was my parents who had committed it.
Now my account is frozen and I am wiped out. I have two kids and one on the way, and recently I lost my job. My mother keeps trying to make me feel guilty for turning them in and doesn’t understand why I am mad. I am having trouble forgiving them. I am just so angry. Should I forgive them, or do I have the right to be mad?
Whether you have the right to be mad or not ain’t the issue. You’re stupid and gullible. What you need is a constant reminder to keep from lending your folks money, so here’s a suggestion-
Get a tattoo on your forehead with the word “tamroob’ with a Russian ‘я’. This will remind you every time you look in the mirror.
I am a mature 25-year-old college-educated man with a great career. I was on the dating scene for several years when I met “Julie” — the girl of my dreams. We fell deeply in love and after four months we began to speak of a long-term future together. We seemed compatible in all the important ways for a good marriage, and I was happier and more secure with her than with any other woman I ever knew.
Julie had just ended a long-term relationship when we met, and one day she told me that this old lover was coming through town and wanted to see her. She asked me if I cared, and I said that it was her business and to do whatever she thought was appropriate. I later found out that she spent the weekend with him. When I confronted her, she said that she was “only saying goodbye.” She said the tryst “didn’t mean anything,” and had nothing to do with her love for me. Apparently she thought it was “appropriate” to sleep with this guy, and that doing so wasn’t really cheating on me.
I was shocked and appalled. My problem isn’t just that she slept with an old lover, but that she seems to think that such behavior was perfectly reasonable and I shouldn’t be upset about it. Now I wonder if I really know her at all, and am thinking that I should break off our relationship, even though I love her with all my heart. Bubba, should I end this relationship, or take my chances that she will break my heart again?
I’ll answer your question with another question- Have you ever heard the saying “Love is blind but lust just doesn’t give a good god damn”? This sums up your so-called relationship to a tee.
I’d say “Take the blinders off” but it won’t help Stevie Wonder and it certainly won’t help you, FOOL!
He Said, We Said. They Said
Without going into lengthy detail, we have been dealing with a bad relative for at least five years. We have constantly dealt with their inappropriate behavior. It has gotten to the point now that we don’t even want to deal with this person anymore, but if we cut ties, they twist stories around and make us look bad.
This person cries a (lying) sob story to the family matriarch to con money from her, and she falls for it every time. I am tired of being stressed about this person; everyone is walking on eggshells. I feel we shouldn’t have to do something just to appease this person. It will only encourage and condone their behavior. Yet we don’t want to ruffle the family feathers.
Normally I would say the hell with it — we should do what we feel is right. The bigger part of the problem is the family matriarch. She is so controlling, everyone is afraid to cross her for fear of her cutting them out of the family (and her will).
You are a fucking nut job. Is it ‘he’ is it ‘them’? Is it ‘you’ is it ‘us’? From your butchering of the English language to the constant need to qualify everything you say, it’s pretty obvious you are the majority of the problem here. I hate your guts and I’ve only known you for 30 seconds!
Do granny and the rest of your family a big favor and disappear, you whining parasite. And while you’re at it, learn the difference between singular and plural pronouns. Sheesh!
My girlfriend pins me up against a wall to kiss me every chance she gets. What does this mean?
It means she’s got a boner. Haven’t you noticed?
Wallowing in Self-Dillusion
I am a 52-year-old man. I was married for 22 years and am now divorced. A year ago I met “Carla,” the woman of my dreams. Then last summer, I lost my job. I was under a lot of stress.
I started texting with an old girlfriend. Some conversations crossed the “friend line” and became sexual. I consider myself a good guy with strong morals, but I failed. The woman then forwarded these texts to Carla. She was devastated and decided to end our relationship.
I have sent cards, flowers and many texts. Carla said she’s moving on and that I should, too. But what I did affected me so much that I was baptized at my church because I needed a fresh start. I need to show the love of my life that I’m not playing around anymore. I will do anything to get my girl back. It has been two weeks of loneliness, but it feels like a lifetime.
I know I shouldn’t push too hard. But I don’t want to be forgotten. I really want a second chance. I know she still loves me, but I hurt her really bad.
Dear Vast Wasteland,
Quit making excuses and wake up to the person you are. From your short letter, I learned-
2 different former lovers apparently now hate your guts,
You make flimsy excuses for your boorish behavior,
You’re prone to rash decisions,
You’re a pathetic wuss
Maybe you can prove yourself by getting the love of your life a restraining order-
My mother and I have a difficult relationship. She has some serious mental issues. She has seen a few psychologists throughout her life, but once the therapy starts to bring up things my mother does not like or agree with, she calls them crazy and quits.
She has done a lot of things to hurt me and my siblings, and as hard as we work to build some sort of relationship, she works just as hard to tear it down.
I will be getting married next year. I do not want to invite her.
My sister got married last year and our mother’s behavior was unreasonable. A week before the wedding she cussed her out and told her that marriage is horrible and that all men cheat.
The morning of the wedding she kept calling my sister and the wedding planner. She tried to make it all about her. When the bride and groom visited tables during the reception, our mother turned her head away and ignored my sister. She left a couple of hours later without telling anyone.
I feel guilty that I don’t have a relationship with her, but I have been hurt in the past, so I no longer trust her.
My fiancé suggested that we explain to her why we don’t feel comfortable inviting her, and then create a time where we can visit her a couple weeks after the wedding.
I don’t know what to do. Should I invite her and suck it up, even though she will probably make me angry/sad on my wedding day?
At a Loss
Dear Loss Leader,
For Christ’s sake, fuck no! Here’s what you do-
When you print your wedding invitations, ask the printer to make a ‘special’ invitation that looks exactly like the others except the date will be one day later. Give this special invitation to your Mother.
The day after the wedding, when she shows up for the big event, she’ll be the only one there. It will truly be “all be about her”! If she’s pissed off (which is pretty much a given), you won’t care because you’ll be on your honeymoon in Maui, a thousand miles away! Be sure to turn your cell phone off so you don’t have to listen to any toxic messages from the Harpie.
When you get back, you can explain to her that it must have been a typo. Damn I’m smart!
“to the Pain…”
How do you deal with adult “children” who ignore issues about their health? My 30-something son had a root canal a few days ago. His face is swollen, he has lost sleep and is in pain. His wife has tried everything to get him to get it checked out, and she just called me in desperation.
Why does he do this? It isn’t the first time she and others have begged him to take care of himself. She’s pregnant and they have two other small kids. He has insurance, so it’s not about money. It’s just so stressful for those of us who love him. He works for himself and is a high-energy guy and a great dad.
Questioning my sanity
Here’s how you can help him- Send him a nice bottle of whiskey. That will help with his tooth pain. As for the pain in his ass…. shut the fuck up!
Leader of the Pack Rat
My wife and I and our 13-year-old son live in a nice home we have been remodeling for the last eight years. The problem is, my wife has a hard time getting rid of anything, and she constantly brings home “new projects” that take up space but never get done. At one point, we hired a professional organizer because we had reached the point of having “goat trails” as the only means of navigating our way around the house. We also have a barn that is chockablock full.
I have heard that the root cause may be due to an anomaly on a chromosome. How should I approach my wife about getting some genetic testing done? Her mom is also a professional pack rat. The clutter is taking its toll on our relationship — we are in marriage counseling — and on our family. We have so much stuff I can’t breathe. —
Dear Sufferin’ Suffocatin’ Sucker,
Rent a storage space. Put the things you hold dear into that storage space. Then give your wife a gift certificate to go buy some things at the mall.
A few hours later when she returns, she’ll find fire trucks and police cars blocking the street. Wait- is that her house on fire? Surprise!
I am a straight man who met and fell in love with a transgender girl I’ll call Eve. We dated for almost three years, and they were the happiest of my life. In all that time, we never once had an argument. She said I had given her the strength to come out to her family and begin her transition. I was planning to ask her to marry me.
Without any indication that anything was wrong, she dumped me one day and weeks later began dating her friend, another trans girl. I wanted to walk away and take time to heal, but Eve maintained that I was important to her and we could remain friends.
For the next few months we tried, but her new girlfriend treated me like I was a threat. While I was emotionally hurting, she seemed to take intense pleasure in showing me how happy they were together. It eventually led to friction, and now my ex thinks I caused it because I was jealous, so she cut off all contact with me.
I stood by her when she absolutely needed my support, but when the time came to give a little back, I was abandoned. I’m worried I will never trust anyone again, and I don’t know how to get “myself” back. Can you help? –
Abandoned in West Virginia
It’s a simple fact- she was looking for a girlfriend, not a boyfriend. But I’m confused because based on your whining, pettiness, jealousy and gullibility, you sure sound like a perfect pussy to me.
Cat Puke or You- It’s an Easy Choice!
My girlfriend and I have been together for almost two years. A major issue is her house. I have terrible allergies and asthma; she has two cats and two large dogs that shed. I often feel miserable when I am there. I also feel horrible for telling her how sick I feel.
I had not used my inhaler or taken allergy medication in years, but have to use it now when I stay at her place.
She has done some things to accommodate my irritations, but aside from the allergies, her house is a mess. I feel like a jerk for saying that but I never feel clean when I’m there.
Hair is in the bowls in the cupboards, the refrigerator and freezer, the couch has dog drool stains, the carpet is stained and cat puke has dried and crusted on the stairs.
I try to keep my work clothes clean by storing them in a plastic bag, but one day I found cat barf all down the pant leg.
She wants me to move in, but I am grossed out by her house. When she is not there I spend most of my time cleaning, but when she is home it reverts to how it was. We’ve tried discussing this issue but she gets offended and embarrassed.
I don’t know how to say I would move in if the house were cleaner, because I would.
Gasping for Air
The answer is simple. Tell her it’s either you or her pets. (and pray to God she chooses her pets.) Either way, she’ll be doing you a BIG favor. If fact, she’ll be doing herself a big favor too. Who wants a sniveling, OCD hypochondriac nagging their ass all the time?
You can take the girl out of Jersey, but…
I am writing regarding my almost 13-year-old daughter. She’s a sweet girl but lately has been involved in a lot of drama. Recently my husband and I saw what we believe to be two hickeys on her neck, one on each side. She has denied, denied, denied it, but we know what we know.
I’m worried because a few months ago she was called into her counselor’s office for “roasting.” She was asked to roast two specific girls, and the information got back to them and back to the counselor. Our daughter is not allowed to date, and although she has friends who started dating at 10 or 11, I don’t allow her to go to their homes. I do allow them to come to our home instead.
I just need to know how to handle this situation before it gets out of control. I have tried talking calmly and patiently with her, but it doesn’t work. She believes she knows it all and I know nothing.
Your daughter falls into a long line of traditional Jersey-girl traits. There’s even a name for her type- Skank, Tart, Hose Monster, Sweat Hog… you get my drift.
Your sweet girl is a slut in training and the harder you try to muzzle that bitch, the more freedom she will crave- and by ‘freedom’ I mean ‘dick’.
So instead of trying to reign her in, do what other Jersey moms do naturally- teach your daughter how to manipulate and use boys with her newfound sexual powers.
Give ’til it hurts
I am a single, 55-year-old man. During the last year, I have felt lost. My mother, my last close relative, passed away. My brother and sister died years ago, as did my father. We were a very close family. Now I am an orphan!
I don’t have children and I’m not sure what I need to do. I’m in the process of selling the family home/office where I worked for the last 30 years, but I feel guilty about it. There’s so much stuff to sort through — both business and personal — that I don’t know where to start. I’m overwhelmed and having so many anxiety attacks I can’t get the things done that I need to.
When I sell this place, I know I’m going to be devastated. I have been suffering with depression for more than 20 years, but now I seem to have hit bottom. My business is failing. I have a couple of friends, but they have their own families and problems. This is affecting my physical and mental health. How can I get past it? I’m not a religious person.
A great way to cheer yourself up is to make someone else happy. You say you have no close relatives so why not make me happy by leaving me everything in your will. That should cheer you right up. Afterwards, if you’re still sad, I’ll do everything I can to help you join your family.
For Skin Deep’s Sake!
I’m 42, and the mother of three children. I love my kids, but after many years of wanting to do something about my “mommy belly,” I decided to have a tummy tuck.
As a woman of color, my preference was for a sculpted, curvy shape. For aesthetic reasons, I liked the work being done in a certain foreign country. That it was cheaper there was an added plus. After months of researching, I settled on a board-certified doctor. His before and after pictures were great, and I was told that he and the clinic had a “zero percent infection rate.”
Two weeks after I returned home, things quickly went bad. Fluid drained from my tummy tuck and belly button incisions. A local plastic surgeon sent me immediately to an emergency room.
At the ER, my fever was 102 and I was admitted to the hospital, where I was diagnosed with mycobacterium abscessus infection. I was hospitalized for 11 days and had surgery to manually clear the infection from my abdomen. I was sent home with a PICC line so I could continue receiving my IV meds at home.
Two months after my elective surgery, I cannot stand up straight due to the pain. The experience has been awful, and it’s still far from over. I’m still on IV antibiotics, have daily nursing visits, multiple visits to the ER and have had multiple surgeries.
I won’t be able to work for three to six months, and my medical bills are over $100,000. (Thank goodness I have health insurance!) The side effects of the meds I’m on are nausea, diarrhea, lack of appetite and drowsiness.
It’s hard for me to take care of myself or my children. I feel guilty about the pain I’m causing my family, and I’m so depressed I don’t like going places and have withdrawn from those closest to me.
I know infections are a risk with any surgical procedure and this could have happened in America, but the fact is, this infection is known to be caused by poor sterilization in the OR, and this should have been avoidable if the proper sterilization procedures were followed. Any advice?
Sad and feeling like a Boobie
Dear Sad Boob,
My advice is to look on the bright side- at least you don’t have a beer gut!
You’re pulling my….leg?
My boss is acting a little crazy and I am not sure how to deal with it. He has worked nearly his whole life at my workplace and is the top manager.
In the last few years, he has been keeping odd hours at work, coming in at 3 a.m. I have a key to the office and one day I stopped by to print something for another employee. It was during the daytime, and it seems I interrupted some inappropriate sexual behavior on the part of my boss (he was alone). He quickly ran out of his office and some pornography was left playing on his computer.
I got out of there quickly. If I go over his head to the owners, he will be fired. He is near retirement age and I don’t want to cause him any lasting problems, but that behavior has to stop.
What would be the best way to deal with this situation?
Have you thought of black mail? That would be my first choice but after re-reading your letter, you sound way too stupid to pull it off. You need hard evidence, not innuendo.
How did you know your boss comes to work at 3 am? Were you there to see it? And you’re telling me he’s jacking off at work in the middle of the day? Where were the other employees? Did he run out of the office with his dick in his hand or were you just guessing?
If you’re running into work during the weekend to print stuff for another employee, it sounds like you’re a lackey and you probably have an axe to grind. So write me back when you have some real dirt on this guy and I’ll help you put this puppet on a string. My cut is fifty percent. Until then, quit gossiping and get your useless ass back to work!
A very close friend died recently. He had no family, just a couple of distant cousins, as far as I know.
My family “adopted” our deceased friend and will be sending a wreath to the funeral home. Will it be appropriate to send a sealed card addressed to the decedent with the wreath?
WTF? You’re sending a card to a dead guy? I think that might be too confusing to the relatives. Why not try a Ouija board? Who knows, you might even get a response!
All in Good Taste
My parents have been divorced for 17 years, but my father appears to have trouble letting go. Some examples: Although he never wore a wedding ring, he does wear a widower’s band, and he tells people he “lost” his wife. Recently, he talked to my brother about getting a tattoo of my mother’s name. Suffice it to say, my brother told him it was inappropriate.
My general policy has been to let Dad cope however he likes. I live 400 miles away and my brother still lives physically close to him. I understand that divorce can be traumatic, having lived through theirs as a child as well as my own. Is there any way I can help Dad cope with this?
You can try buying him a hooker. I know that would cheer me up! As far as getting a tattoo, I don’t think it’s inappropriate as long as it’s tastefully done and in an inconspicuous place. Maybe a nice Gothic font circling his pucker?
My current husband and I have been married 14 years. (he is 74, I am 60). I had a very traumatic divorce. My current husband was one of the lawyers involved in the divorce. We had a whirlwind relationship and married after nine months.
My new stepdaughter, 31 years old at the time, chose to destroy our special day, and to this day, hates me. My husband and I tried to work this through; he was devastated and I let her walk all over me. Now I don’t have anything to do with her.
Now, my husband has refused to attend any of my family events if my only son is attending because my son has had several DUI’s. My son is a very hard worker but has a very limited income. I have helped him out with legal fees, etc. I used our joint accounts for this. Mainly my husband seems to think my son is a loser.
After holding in my anger about having to shuffle holiday events so that my husband doesn’t have to be there with my “wayward” son, I totally blew up and revealed very ugly sexual activities that his daughter did. I feel terrible about this.
Because he is a lawyer and can file for divorce (and has done it before without my knowledge after fights), is my love for him healthy? Should we try harder to make this work? Ninety percent of the time we are good.
Wow! You must have had an amazing rack when you were 44!
If it quacks like a Duck…
I have been happily married for almost 50 years, until this past summer. My husband and I visited our hometown and I saw an old boyfriend for the first time in 52 years. The attraction between us was immediate. It was an emotional attraction more than a physical one — Bubba, we are both old!
I saw him without my spouse on three occasions, in public places. These encounters have left me with an addiction/obsession that I cannot shake. It is really making me miserable. I think about him all day, every day. I am not exaggerating! What makes it worse is that he is single now and would love to have me in his life again.
I never expected anything like this to happen to me. I am an educated, sensible person. Daily and repeatedly I try to talk myself out of thinking about him, and it does not work.
When we parted years ago, it was his doing, not mine. He is actually the only other person I ever thought I might marry. He has had several significant others and one wife, but claims he has never forgotten me, and regrets our breakup.
I am so desperate to return to my former happy self; any suggestions you can give me would really be appreciated. I have a wonderful husband who would be devastated if he knew what these last few months have been like for me. It is extremely stressful — torture, really — and I so want it to stop. I need him out of my head, and out of my heart. So far, the passage of time has not made any difference.
Dear Les Miserable,
Don’t be so hard on yourself! You can’t help the way you feel. Like they say, “Once a whore always a whore!”
Make Someone (else) Happy
It’s been a year since my divorce, and I feel like I’m supposed to want to date now. Some co-workers have even been encouraging me to sign up for a dating website. But I’ve spent this last year doing things by myself, rediscovering what makes me happy, making new friends, and keeping my home the way I want it, without having to compromise with anybody else. It’s been great!
I just can’t imagine wanting to have some other person hanging around all the time, getting in my way, and forcing me to consider them in my plans. Is dating one of those things I need to make myself do as part of my recovery from the divorce?
Have you heard of friends with benefits? ‘cause it sounds like you ‘d make a great fuck buddy. It’s the perfect solution for you and it’s going to be real easy. Just ask any of your guy friends. It doesn’t matter which one. The answer is gonna be “yes!”
It’s a real ball-scratcher….
“Burt,” my best friend in college, and I always got along like brothers. After college, we stayed in the same town, where I met my future wife. He was the best man at our wedding. We remained best buddies.
After my wife and I moved to the East Coast, Burt and I got together whenever we could, over holidays, vacations and family gatherings. I always felt that we would be best friends forever.
That changed a few years ago. Out of nowhere, I received a letter from him. He said, “I don’t want to be your friend anymore.” I was shocked and hurt. I wrote him a letter telling him that I apologized if I had ever done anything to hurt him, and detailed all the fun we had together in the past, but I was completely stumped.
Finally, he sent me a return letter. All it said was “It has more to do with me than you.” Since then, I haven’t heard a word from him. Since he has never been married, the only thing I can think of is that he loved me (in more than a brotherly way), and that when I moved away, it hurt him deeply.
Is there anything I can do to win back his friendship?
Suck his dick?
I grew up the third of four children. Both my older brothers chose to go into engineering (the field my father is in). I rocked the boat and opted to go into education. All during college and after, my parents continued to tell me I had chosen the wrong career and would never have any money.
Ten years later, I’m still getting constant comments about my career choice and financial status. They make little jabs like, “… but we know you can’t afford it,” and, “Is this too expensive for you?” which echo at family gatherings to the point that neither my husband nor I want to be there.
We both work hard and, while we might struggle, we never ask for financial assistance. How can I get my family to stop these comments? They’re hurtful.
When the kids in your class say hurtful things to each other, how do you get them to stop? I’ll bet you a nickel (and I’m sure you could use it) that you can’t. And do you know why? Because YOU’RE IN THE WRONG PROFESSION!
Drinks are on You
I have been concerned about my parents for some time now. They are elderly and live in a retirement community. They have a very nice home and don’t have to worry about money.
The problem is, they drink every day- sometimes from noon to when they go to bed. Many times their drinking has caused arguments and police visits. When I express my concern about their drinking, they tell me to stay out of it, mind my own business, and they’re retired and have earned the right to do whatever they want.
I don’t mind them having a cocktail every now and then, but this has gotten out of hand. I think they have become alcoholics and only bad things are coming of it. They refuse to listen to me or anyone else for that matter. What should I do?
You must get close to them. Suck up to them by joining them for their afternoon drinks and plying them with plenty of alcohol. The good stuff, not that cheap shit. When they’re good and wasted, try to trick them into signing power of attorney over to you. That way you can force them into rehab and take control of their lives, cutting them off from their money and everything they hold dear. It will make them miserable and they’ll curse the day you were born, but at least you’ll be happy. And be sure to register as a Democrat if you haven’t already.
I’m a girl in my junior year of high school. My boyfriend of three years is very good to me, affectionate, attentive and very good looking. I don’t think he cheats on me, but he does have serious flatulence. He thinks it’s hilarious and does it in public just to embarrass me to death. He also does it at the end of lovemaking which I think is gross and he thinks is the funniest thing in the world.
Bubba, he’s the only serious boyfriend I have ever had. Are all guys this gross and inappropriate? It’s putting a serious damper on how I feel about him. Please help me to save this relationship.
You list all of your boyfriend’s fantastic qualities then say his farting is a deal breaker? Here’s my advice to you- Start dating guys who think farts are disgusting. If you can even find one, He’ll be the most boring, anal-retentive geek you’ve ever met. After a couple of dates, you’ll want to have your old boyfriend back. In fact, you’ll be begging him to fart in your face.
So maybe it’s time to prove your love. Next time you’re in the mall and feel a good fart coming on, lay on your back put your legs in the air and put a lighter to your ass. Your boyfriend will be ‘blown away’ seeing a 10 foot blue flame shooting out of your ass. Or better yet, when he’s going down on you, give him the ole’ ‘dutch oven’.
Now this may seem detrimental, but believe me- he will think more highly of you because of it. The reason is- it will show you have a sense of humor, something you are totally lacking right now.
I’ve been with my fiancé for three years and I’m very much in love. A few months ago I asked to use his cell phone to look up something on the internet because my battery had died. It opened up to a gay porn site! I was shocked and asked him if it was something he was looking at. He admitted that it was.
Nothing like this has happened to me before, so I began asking if that’s what he likes and is into. He assured me the answer was no. He said he looked because he was curious about it. He told me he loves women and doesn’t want to be with men. He said he was just looking. I believe him but is this normal behavior?
Yes, it’s totally normal behavior- Not the flimsy excuse your cock-sucking fiancé told you, but that you’d believe such bullshit. Don’t feel bad- It happens to stupid people all the time.
So c’mon sister- activate your gaydar or better yet, set a trap. Leave a copy of Playgirl where he can find it. Later on, when you find the pages stuck together, perhaps the light bulb will finally turn on.
Put Up or….Put Out
I have been dating a married man for 30 years. Our relationship started a few months after he got married. I know it was wrong to begin the relationship, but it started just as a way for me to get sexual experience. For him, I think he was infatuated with the idea that a younger woman found him attractive.
I asked him out knowing he was married, thus safe from expecting a commitment. I don’t think either of us expected our so-called relationship to last this long. I have dated other men (who knew nothing of him) and gave birth to a child (not his), so it’s not like he’s the only man I see. (Of course, he knows I date other men.)
Many times I have thought about ending our affair because I feel guilty, and sad for his wife. My problem is our conversations are intoxicating, our kisses, touches and lovemaking are like no other. Must I stop seeing him? Or do you think what others don’t know won’t hurt them?
Dear Come Stop,
Of course you should continue seeing him. The world is always in need of good whores and you sound like one of the best!
The Lunchtime Blues
We have a co-worker issue and need your opinion on the best way to handle it. We have an all-inclusive policy about lunch. Anyone is welcome to come along.
The problem is one guy who is never satisfied with his food. Never! He always complains, and we suspect he does it so his food will be “comped” (which it has been before). It has reached the point that we no longer want him with us. What’s an appropriate way to handle this?
Out to Lunch
Dear Lunch Nazi,
You poor bastard! If only you had some balls. Did you write this letter on behalf of the entire group, or are you by nature a sniveling weasel? This kinda reminds me of a song from way back. ‘The Lunchtime Blues’. But I digress…
Perhaps you can turn it into a game. Have the group agree to a contest- whoever complains about their food has to pay for the entire group. Then egg the guy on. “How’s your burger ol buddy? Did they over-cook it?” “Damn, your french fries look greasy!” After he loses a few times, he’ll shut the fuck up or stop going to lunch. Either way, problem solved.