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Have literary pretensions?
So you think you’re Hemingway? Then this is the post for you. Let’s hear your titles, opening paragraphs, aphorisms, or any other scribal delusions. If you’re enough of a hack we’ll be delighted to add your little darlings to our growing list. This is the best Vanity Press you’ll ever find. Contribute to Helles Belles Lettres – Free!
- Homage to a Raymond Chandler:
She was an exhibitionist with nothing to show for it. A two-bit whore who couldn’t rub two Penny’s together. She was once raped, twice, and demanded a rubber match. Me? My kind of trouble.
- Entered and Broken: A Virgins Tail
- Far From the Tree: A Memoir
- Climbing Ivy: Or the Seven Year Itch
- Manny, Moe and Jackoff – the true story behind the Pep Boys auto parts empire, written by Manny and Moe
- Famous First Drafts:
- Spongiform Encephalopathy Squarepants
- Katy Perry “Dark Whores”
- The Long and Winding Turd
- Dances with Men
- Call of Doodie
- The Sweatshop Boys
- Agent Mule Deer – The X Files
- Crackhead Rosie – Neil Diamond
- Classical Propane – Mason Williams
- Ross Murray’s Baby
- Fart in the Wind – Kansas song
- The Tell-Tale Fart – Edgar Allen Poe
- I Shot the Pontiff
- The Fuckit List
- What the Squirrels need now…
- Precious and few are the doughnuts we two can share…
- Grant and the Asshopper
- O Holy Shit!
- Ass Scratch Fever
- Jeepers, creepers, where’d you get those eye boogers?
- I beg your pardon
I never promised you a raging hard on.
- Come on baby, Light my Fart – Jim Morrison
- Field of Wet Dreams
- The Drooling Spoonfed
- Every Sphincter Has A Story Don’t It
- The Sty That Came On With A Cold
- The Shite Runner
- Rain on the Scarecrow
Blood in the Stool – John Mellencamp
- Purple Tweed – Prince
- Ha, ha, ha, you and me,
Big brown jugs, don’t I love thee!
- Eat, Fight, Fuck
- Sunshine on my scrotum makes me happy,
Sunshine on my scrotum can make me cry. – John Denver
- Romanian Biopsy – Queen
- Black Orifice
- Massage in a Butthole – Sting
- Dimes keep on slippin’ slippin’ slippin’ into the furniture. – Steve Miller
- Live Easy and Die
- There Will Be Scabs
- No Country for Old Spice
- Masters of Johnson
- “I’ve Been to the Dumpster on a Whore with no Name”
- The Wichita Pieman
- Doomed Also Rans
- Dick Leaky
- Billy “Shoes” White Johnson
- Lesser White
- Vin Naptha
- The Wind Cried Murray by Chaimi Chaindrix
- WD 39
- Some Ideas for E-Commerce
- nuttinbutt.net (site devoted to Gay basketball fans)
Here’s some interesting TV Storylines….
- What’s My Disease?
“What’s my disease?” is a new game show premiering this fall on NBC. Marketed as ‘American Idol meets Marcus Welby MD” the basis of the show follows in the tradition of the classic “What’s My Line?” which was one of network television’s longest running and most beloved prime time game shows.
The original game consisted of four panelists trying to guess the occupation of a contestant, but who give a rats’ ass about occupations these days when you could instead be staring at a close-up of some unlucky bastard with a rare deformity?
Studies show with the proliferation of on- line medical sites, the golden age of self-diagnoses is here and what better way to test your medical knowledge than with real scab covered contestants?
Here’s how it works- The live television audience and a panel of four celebrity judges will try to guess the affliction of the ‘guest’ patient. Patients will be selected on the uniqueness and rarity of their disease with some showing little outward signs of their sickness to full blown head-to-toe lesions. A team of medical experts will settle any disputes and treat the occasional convulsion while a priest will be on hand to administer last rites. The TV audience will be able to phone in their guesses as well. (using a 1-900 number)
The response from wanna-be contestants has been overwhelming and the show promises a fantastic array of gut-wrenching debilitating diseases from Lepers to Spastics to the Chinese Rot and everything in between.
One of the highlights of the show will be the ‘Gag-o-meter’ in the lower corner of the TV screen showing in real time how many cookies are being tossed by the live audience.
- Loan Shark
When it comes to perverse reality TV, no one does it better than the Japanese. ‘Loan Shark’, the latest new show from Japan sets the bar to a new high.
The premise is fairly simple. Find contestants that are behind on their loans, or ‘underwater’ as you will, and offer to pay off their debt if they can retrieve the bank note which is tied to a rock at the bottom of a tank filled with hungry Hammerheads, Makos and Great Whites.
It gets better. Contestants must cut themselves in the arms and legs before entering the 30 foot deep tank.
4 IMAX cameras strategically placed inside catch all the action, and when the water gets too bloody to see through, two more infrared cameras record the feeding frenzy so the audience doesn’t miss a thing.
Worried relatives are allowed on the set and can volunteer to try and rescue their loved one while there’s still a piece big enough to retrieve but the clock is ticking and there’s points off for missing limbs and delay of game.
So far the response has been overwhelming. “Remember” says FOX analyst Seth Rougeburn, “this is a society where it is perfectly acceptable to jump off a building for shaming your family and what could be more embarrassing than losing your house? Most Japs would, no pun intended, jump at the opportunity!”
Horoshi Ma, the mastermind behind the show is thinking of making it a little easier to win, since no one has yet to come out of the tank in one piece.
“Our sponsors love it because the ratings are so high, but my heart goes out to the families. They still lose their house.”
- Numnutz University
‘It’s time stupid people get to graduate from college too!’ That’s the motto at Numnutz University where admission to this new college is pretty easy. “If you can hold a pencil with the pointy side away from you and manage to not stick it in your eye, you’re in! exclaims Dean and founder of Numnutz, Blake Zyfoid.
So far, enrollment is up and only two applicants have been denied.
“I love the campus- it’s gooder than I expected” said freshmen Grover McCoy, one of the star recruits the college sought out and well known for his ties to the famous hillbilly bloodline. “My favorite class so far is the cafeteria!”
To earn credits, students are expected to do nothing and many have far exceeded that expectation.
Zyfoid explains it- “You are always learning something, every waking second. It may be lifting the lid of the toilet seat before you pee, or any number of life experiences. Why can’t people get credit for that?”
Zyfoid is proud of their 100% graduation rate. “If the check clears, you pass! We don’t make any unrealistic goals that people can’t obtain, like showing up for class and that sort of stuff. As long as you’re breathing, you’re on your way to higher learning and a better life.”
An independent study has shown that most graduates can immediately enter the job market at the minimum wage level. It’s a well known fact that down at the Walmart in Greenville, having a Numnutz degree is tilting the odds of getting that coveted job as a stock clerk. Even the Mom & Pop stores are starting to take notice. Recent graduates have been hired at many bait shops along the eastern seaboard.
“People graduate from Yale and Harvard and they think they’re so smart. Well, a lot of ‘em voted for Obama so they ain’t so smart, are they?” said one recent grad. “At least we ain’t got no Muslims on campus!”
In fact, records show that there are no minorities at all registered with the college which normally would raise the eyebrows of the ACLU. So far, they haven’t complained.
- Chink in the Armor
The Learning Channel has just announced a new series in it’s 2016 line-up- ‘Chink in the Armor’ is about a group of Chinese blacksmiths who specialize in medieval reenactments.
- Remake of the Taxi Driver
It was just a matter of time- the classic Martin Scorsese movie ‘the Taxi Driver’ is finally getting an update. It is rumored that Scorsese is teaming up with academy award winning director Danny Boyle to produce the 21st century version of the “loner goes nutso without any good goddam reason’ story.
Bizarre Word Bazaar writers got a sneak peak at the rough draft of the new script and we’re happy to be sharing it with the ever nosy public.
Among the incredible changes to the original script-
Robert DeNiro’s character,Travis Bickle is now Samoosh Bickram, a Pakastani immigrant.
His love interest, formerly played by Cybil Shepherd, will be replaced by a pure white goat, held by his mentor, an aging Muslim cleric.
Samoosh, like Travis , is a hair trigger loner fanatic who slowly descends into a world of isolation while driving odd hours as a cabbie in New York city, but that’s where the similarities stop. Samoosh gets fixated with the clerics’ snow white goat and tries everything in his power to possess it. When he gets rejected, he then turns his venom onto another target…
The original had Bickle aiming his crosshairs on a fictional Senator named Palladine. Samoosh goes after none other than Donald Trump, whose cameo appearance insiders say will cost the studio upwards of $20 million but could generate as much as a billion dollars in additional ticket sales.
The grand finale, as any Scorcese fan knows, is when Bickle, frustrated by his failure to reach the senator, goes on a rampage, killing the pimp who he feels is holding a young prostitute named Iris (played by then 12 year old Jodie Foster) as a sex slave.
The remake will have Samoosh, missing his chance to cap Trump, turn his rage on The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, an obvious symbol of America’s decadence.
“This movie will be new, fresh, cutting edge.” exclaimed Scorsese in a recent interview. ”I mean honestly, whoever heard of a white taxi driver in New York City! This new version is going to be an accurate portrayal of a New York Cabbie, right down to the irritating mideastern music to the nauseating stench of B.O. and curry wafting from his cab.”
- The Balls of St Mary
Join us as we go undercover to the world’s most notorious Catholic School- St Mary’s in Dublin Ireland. If you thought priest abuse was bad, wait ‘til you see the harsh discipline of bull dyke and Nun #1, Sister Mary Margaret Murphy, as our hidden camera peers within the walls of this seldom seen sanctuary.
Sister Mary Margaret, with her fiery red hair, gin blossom nose and pale freckled complexion, has balls the size of Texas and she enforces her rules with an iron fist in one hand and a whiskey sour in the other.
Born to poor Irish farmers, she was an only daughter. Her mother died giving birth to her (some say she kicked her mother’s spleen into sour mash before exiting the womb). Her father turned her into the bastard red-haired stepson he never had.
We follow Mary Margaret as she marches down the cold, stone hallways, occasionally grabbing a wayward student by the throat and throwing her against the wall. She is feared by the faculty and reviled by the arch bishop who conspires to deal with her barbaric inquisition methods.
Tune in on Fridays at 8pm EST to find out more about the dark secrets of the Catholic Church in ‘The Balls of St Mary’.
- Rough Draft- Made for TV Movie “Cat Scratch Fever”
There’s something out there far more sinister than a werewolf. At least you can see a werewolf transforming and hear it’s howl. As their clothes start shredding, you can start running! Not so with the were-cat…
Pan over to the idyllic community of Leisure World. “Seizure World’ is what we jokingly call it. Every other week some geriatric bastard is hauled off in the meat wagon. But lately, something sinister has been pussy-footing around. The reviled werecat.
These seemingly docile creatures resemble an ordinary puddy-tat except during a full moon. That’s when they go batshit crazy, running up the drapes in your house, careening off the ceiling and scratching out the eyes of the unexpected while they sleep.
Poor Mrs. Crotchdust had her nipple chewed off. OK, that one was her fault, she shouldn’t tease the cat by dragging those things around.
The local cops are having a tough time keeping ‘tabs’ on the tabbies, while these kitties litter the neighborhood with corpses. Watch as the local chapter of the AARP throws a hissy fit trying to de-claw the situation.
Granny will never look at a ball of the yarn the same way again. It’s Cat Scratch Fever!
- Jumping Beans – New on Tru TV
There’s been more than a fair share of home-grown military groups popping up in Arizona with the sole purpose of driving back the illegal alien horde from Mexico, so it’s no surprise that a new reality show is in the works. Of course this one features a group with a totally new twist- TYC or ‘Taint your Country’ is the latest group of gung-ho fanatics who believe it’s their job to police the border. Their modus operandi is using the element of surprise by burying themselves in the ground or hiding in a patch of cactus, then jumping out to ambush their prey.
“Hiding under a coupla inches of dirt for 2 or 3 nights ain’t no big deal. It’s all worthwhile when I spring up from a dusty wash and surprise those brownies” says leader and former Army Ranger Buster Witt. “Hell, I’ve been bitten by fire ants, scorpions, snakes and even stepped on by a burro but when I chase down some screaming senorita with a cake in the oven, that’s a double bonus. I just kept two of ‘em out.”
So far the group has avoided the law although recently one of their members was run over by an ICE SUV. In another incident, a flash flood nearly drowned two of their members. “Freedom comes at a cost” says Witt. “I’d lose a leg to keep some Guatamalen from getting free health care.” Jumping Beans is scheduled to premiere this fall on TRU TV.
- Broadway Scapegoat
Follow cutting edge director Hugo Elton as he surprises the elite of New York City who have paid top dollar to see the best of first run Broadway plays only to be duped when he replaces one of the leading actors with a homeless derelict fresh from the gutter.
“The looks on the faces of the audience is priceless!” muses Elton as he reveals his ruse. “What bum wouldn’t jump at a chance to sing a few lines of Les Miserables or improvise the opening of Kinky Boots and stick it to the man at the same time? All I pay ‘em is a bottle of Jim Beam! The amazing thing is, some of them are pretty damn good!’
Each week is full of surprises. For instance, the first episode sent one homeless man to the hospital after being attacked in the orchestra pit. The following week, the guest ‘star’ was showered with roses, a standing ovation and offered a recording contract.
- The Tourettes
Come behind the scenes with ‘the Tourettes’ a close knit female heavy metal thrash band who constantly tour the bible belt with their unique brand of vulgar, obscenity laden music. The graphic lyrics may not be for everybody but who can resist the occasional cameo appearance of ‘the flash mob’, the name of the pubescent groupees who religiously follow the band and are known for showing off ‘Bourbon Street style’.
The buzz about this new reality show is strong and there’s even odds in Vegas as to which one of the band members will O.D. first.
Warning: This show may be inappropriate for children under the age of five.
- Major Ahso
See the hilarious new TV series based on a true story. When Japanese army major Yukio Ahso is mistakenly sent as an exchange student to the idyllic suburban home of Mormon pastor Timmy Whytebrid, Tim’s delinquent son, Jebediah gets a firsthand lesson in ‘tough rove’.
Known in his homeland for his volcanic eruptions, lack of manners and typical Asian cluelessness, Major Ahso soon makes a name for himself in Salt Lake City as he unleashes his barbaric discipline while warming the hearts of the Whytebrids. There’s a funny recurring skit each week where a driver gets run off the road by Ahso’s haplessness behind the wheel.
- The Werd Nerds – New Series on The Learning Channel
Yes they wear white shirts and khaki slacks, yes they walk around carrying I-Pads, no they are not religious crackpots, but yes they are definitely zealots. Vern Acular and Norman Clature, the Werd Nerds, are itinerant Scrabble tweakers armed with digital copies of the Oxford Dictionary, Roget’s Thesaurus, the usual scrabbler’s crib sheets and nearly photographic memories. Each week they roll into unsuspecting ‘burbs looking to hustle up a high stakes game. “We start out acting like God’s own rubes, lose a couple you know, but when we drop the hammer and start killin’ ‘em their little heads explode,” explained Vern. “Don’t you mean implode?” quipped Norman. “We reel them in at twenty bucks a point but after the hook is set we jump it up to a hundred a point. When we’re done with these cretins I always have mixed emotions,” said Norman, “I never know whether to call a hearse or an ambulance.” “Don’t you mean ambivalence?” said Vern, in a fine display of wit and one-upsmanship. Join us this week as the boys move across the pond looking for fresh marks at the very heart of the English language, Oxford University.Nerds? Werd!Tuesdays at 8:00 P.M. on TLC
- The Deutche Baggs
Set in the ‘anything goes’ 70’s, brothers Wilhelm and Gottlieb Baggs are public relations marketing specialists from Germany. The wannabe hipster brothers are excited, having landed a job at Cosmopolitan Magazine in New York City. Unbeknownst to them, they were really chosen as an example of ‘what not to do’, an inside joke of prankster and editor-in-chief Dorli van Dyke, played by Maria Bamford.
“The casting call for this new show brought out every Hollywood dickhead you can think of” says director/producer Louis CK. “It was a tough decision but it eventually became clear there were two actors who were naturally born for this role.”
TV fans are anxiously waiting for the pilot episode to see who will play the Bagg brothers. The word on the street is Neil Patrick Harris and Joseph Gordon Levitt are strong contenders.
In related news, Kayne West and Chris Brown have sued the Production Company. “Those fools don’t know what an asshole douchebag is” blurted Kayne while exiting Spagos in Beverly Hills. He was followed to the parking lot by a crowd of pappazzi and an angry server who claimed she was stiffed on her tip.
- New Showtime Series – The Dog Yeller:
Retired Marine drill instructor Douglas “Doggy” Stiles combined his two great passions to launch his dream retirement business. “I love two things” said Doggy, “imposing my will through intimidation, and dogs. You gotta love those needy little morons.”
Join “The Dog Yeller” each week as he employs his unique behav-mod techniques to a new “problem” dog. “It’s 90 percent tough love and 10 percent sudden unadulterated violence, no problem” says Doggy. But after sharp criticism from “The Dog Whisperer” Cesar Millan, Doggy “dirty double dog dared” Cesar to a Dog Off. Don’t miss the upcoming Showtime Showdown, “The Yell or the Whisper”. “I mean this guy Cesar is a one trick pony, he’s all dogs and dewclaws” says Doggy, “has it ever even occurred to this guy to holler at a plant? Well it has occurred to me…Yo’, Venus Flytrap, juice that blowfly! HUA!”
- New Reality TV Show – Black (Jack) Jesus
Jesus, a Puerto Rican pedophile, spends his days at the beach in Atlantic City where he buries himself up to his neck in sand and spies on young children from underneath a plastic sand pail. Each afternoon as high tide approaches, he calls 911 on his cell phone to be “rescued”.
The locals, aware of his antics, throw half eaten Dunkin Donuts at his head to attract seabirds. After his eyes are pecked out by a crazed seagull, Jesus lands a job at Trumps Casino where he has an uncanny ability to deal Blackjack.
Jesus struggles with his new disability and newfound fame while trading insults with irate parents and facing threats of deportation from the Donald, never losing site of his ultimate goal…landing his dream job at the Care Bear daycare center. Don’t miss the pilot of Black (Jack) Jesus, starring Gabriel Iglesias as Jesus.
- New HBO Series – Burnt Crackers:
After a wildfire drives them off their ancestral property, Bugs and Cricket McCooter return to find a half acre of charred scrub and a burned out double-wide. With no money or skills, and faced with the dire need for a “new and in-proved domicile”, they place their hopes on the shoulders of the twins, Skeeter and Midge. The twins weird ability to witch for scrap copper with hangers becomes more than a novelty as the family closes ranks and labors through the summer. Will they realize their dream of upgrading to a Pre-Fab before the snow flies, or will they face a long winter of blue tarps and propane heaters?