I was accused of having no ambition by my girlfriend. I quickly reminded her that I’ve always had a passion for being a third responder.
My wife just got a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh and if you hold your ear up to it you can smell the ocean.
Bumpstock Music Festival
Alotta Anus Morrisette
I was raised in a matriarchal family. Mom was a cunt and Dad was a pussy…
The only time ‘incorrectly’ is spelled correctly is when it’s spelled ‘incorrectly’.
On the other hand, the only time ‘incorrectly’ isn’t spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled incorrectly.
Mind fuck- Gary Newman is older than Gary Oldman
A new drug for Tourettes Syndrome patients
I farted so hard it rerouted my colon.
She’s hitting on all cavities
Tikela Mockingbird – Tip O’ the Pen to Sandra
Mounted and Stuffed
Ass Rick – Cantonese Anilingus
If Handel was a Mexican – Halle-peno! Halle-peno! Halle-peno!
Aunty Social Medea
Fuckuppedness – describing one’s ability to totally screw something up
Behind-amundo – Fonzie’s fave position
God Liver Oil – good for what ails you
Nip and Tuck – gender reassignment specialists
Old school law firm- Hunt & Peck
Booty & the Beast
Bats in the Beltway
Flee Weary – Japanese Orca Movie
James Bond – “Fine adhesives for your every need”
Girth of a Nation – MOVIE ABOUT THE STRUGGLE OF THE OBESE
Are you right brained or wrong brained?
Circle Twerk – being jerked around by a group of women.
Puppies of a Lesser Dog
Who let the bitches out?
Obtuse & Acute – Attorneys at Law: “We always got an angle.”
I ate the hole thing.
There may be no “I” in team, but “U” are in fuck up twice.
Vanilla Rice – American-Asian Rapper
Beyond say, what?
Fungi and Fungal – Husband and Wife clown act
C4PO – Next generation android with rage issues
Dicksters Without Borders
From a recent movie review, “Like a lot of drinkers she could dance better than she could stand.”
San Anus – suburb of Gomorrah
Jews for Jesus expanded;
- Pedophiles for Jesus
- Athiests for Jesus
- Jesus’ for Jesus
- Whores for Jesus
- Punks for Jesus
Bumper Car Drive-in
Dark Inc. – Tatto Joint
The Running of the Ho’s
What’s the difference between a bullshitter and a gay bullshitter?
A bullshitter starts his story with “…so I came across this guy…”, the gay bullshitter ends his story the same way.
Come on everybody… let’s get up and give a big hand to…. Mr Bate Handcock
Some people are HIV positive. Others are HIV negative. I’m HIV neutral
Ass-end to the throne
Eat, Prey, Lust
Deaf Melon-Sculptor brother of Blind Melon
Fartsy- the quadraplegic albino with uncontrollable gas
Humper- the spastic dog who loves Viagra
South American Rag Picker – new reality show
Pump and Sir Cumstains
We were like a magnet with two negative poles
Lick it and Stick it – Song Title
A Sale of Two Titties
Cuntswello – Mexican maid in high demand
Cum Poseur – porn star
Van Hozer – Won NASCAR rookie of the year five years running!
She was like electricity to a dead frogs leg
Carpe Tunnel – Latin for ‘seize the butthole’
Oral may make your day
But anal makes your hole weak
A Wing and Gruyère
Kung Pao Chitlins
Vapid and Afraid
Johnson & Johnson – Porn Film
Hoga – Yoga for Ho’s
Won Ton Ho
Dark Doesn’t Matter
Leddy Wind – Professional Eater, also known as “The Fartress”
Prophets are going down…
Rick the Japper – Never apprehended Tokyo serial killer
Chewbutta – Chewbacca’s gay brother.
Ed Nauseam – Aggravating comedian
The Bees Niece
Dickie Chins – Gay Asian gangster
I’m emotional as fuck right now…
How can Japans ultimate icon NOT be known as Godzirra?
A tale of two presidents:
Fartin’ Through Silk Shorts – The Donald Trump Story
Shittin’ in Tall Cotton – The Barack Obama Story
Bride: I do
Groom: I do
Priest: I now pronounce you dodo’s in deep doo doo
Clove & Hooves – Hookah dude ranch
Chris Chin – Chinese Evangelist
Inspect her gadget
Tire fire funeral pyre
Proposed names for a new app that will provide the location of the closest prostitute based on your current GPS.
- Near Miss
- Whore Around
- Poon Pal
I applied for a job but was turned down. I misspelled “detail oriented” on my resume.
Coytus Interuptus – Forgotten Roman Emperor
Help! I’ve fallen in love and I can’t get it up.
The Don de Trumphe
Cay Cay Cakes – Racist Southern Bakery
Ben d’Hur Over – porn remake of Ben Hur
Candidate for Australian product placement: Randy Wipes
Doesn’t it seem strange that Siegfried and Roy are orange and their tigers are white?
New Cookbook – Postules, Nodules and Nodes – Chinese Dumplings on the Cheap
Ain’t got a cherry
That ain’t no sin
She’s still got the box
That the cherry come in. -(From Westworld- Episode 101)
The Big Bang Gang
Tounge to Taint
Billy Scrotes Guff
Bitches Without Boundaries
Dick and Shane – A gay primer
Jack! You Late?
I thought it was the meds,
Turned out to be the Feds
The Internet is a Stalker
Castrati Frustrati – Second chair at the Vienna Boys Choir
In the tradition of Mad Magazine, here’s some album covers we’d like to see
I thought about masturbating last night…it turned out to be a stroke of genius – Tip o’ the pen to D. Meaner
The Gelded Age
Newly discovered Shakespeare play – Pistonia and Cylindrica – A combustible mix of love and flatulence
Bleeders, Breeders & Bleaters (Scottish Attorneys at Law)
Farm to Table to Toilet – Tip o’ the pen to D. Meaner
Vújà de – An intense sense that something has never happened before.
Just approved by the FDA – USELESSA (Call your Dr. If you experience shortness of dick)
If you ever go to prison I will stick up for you. Here’s some soap.
I’m making a lisp and checking it twithe
I can’t believe I ate the hole thing
Incan Ink – Tat Parlor
Baitmon – Jamaican Superhero
Hillary Rodham Clinton- There’s not much difference between HRC and RCH
The Growlers (A drinking group with a music problem)
It’s the Donald- Duck!
Four Fat Fucks and a Funeral
Cleenis Clock – Boxing Phenom
Variations on a Theme:
- The Skeevie Jeevies
- Skeeve Doubt
- Green Skeeves
- Bringing in the Skeeves
I tried to get close to her. I got a foothold but I never got an asshold.
Hell and Bowel
Brace for Fudgepact
Broken Winds: The Joey Chestnut Story
Sex Transvester Radio
Punk U Asian
Whacks ‘n’ Wayne
I got me a line
And I got me a pole
I’m comin’ down
To your fishin’ hole…Tip o’ the pen to D. Meaner
Upward Facing Bitch
The only person I can’t live without is me…Tip o’ the pen to D. Meaner
Boardinghouses Without Boarders
Most people are concerned more about the frame than the picture. Tip o’ the pen to D. Meaner
Fly in the Reefer
Ten Untempered Seconds
Stink, Stank, Stunk
Lust is a Many Splintered Thing
Slickery Dickery Cock
The politically correct movement has demanded that Dick Van Dyke should henceforth be called Penis Van Lesbian
Hu Man Bang
Bleeders, Breeders & Bleaters
The Hogs Bison Particle
She’s gotta a Chip in Her Halo.
You can re-lie on me.
Instead of adding any more letters to LGBT (the latest being LGBTTTQQIAA) let’s just make it LBGT-WTF!
Butt Turd Toast
Irritable Girl Syndrome
The .god files
Jew Lies Matter
Phlegm Phlagm Magn
Mūst Angz Ali
Penile to Mate – Tip o’ the pen to D. Meaner
Hamas X Yuelle – Palestinian Fag
Eternal darn-ation in Heck is what happens when you don’t believe in Gosh.
Naked and A Freak
Heard on TV, “it was really surreal.”
Urine deep shit
Poke a man
Butt ‘n Hole
Dumb Fuck Egypt
Clown Shoe Bomber
Phil Esteen – Pro Wrestler
Full Frontal Jack-it
Stool Bus (Honey Bucket Truck)
Erin go braless – Irish Holiday
Special Eunuch’s Victim
Bilbo’s Birkenstock Boutique
D’Kenya: A cumming of age novel
Low Dose Assburn
Baby Got Backstory
How to Apply Sunscreen
Ever been at the beach and have your guy friends ask you to apply sunscreen to their back? Talk about feeling gay! It’s an awkward situation so why not turn it into something fun!
The next time you’re with a group of your buddies at the beach or the pool and one of them asks you to put sunscreen on their back, have a little fun with it. Say “OK, why don’t you lay down on the lounge chair?”
Once they’re prone, stand and straddle them and then proceed to make sounds like you’re jacking off while you squirt the sunscreen on their back. Be sure to squirt a little in their hair for added effect.
I stink, therefore I yam what I yam. (Popeye/Cartesian mashup)
A Most Anus Crime
Self Flagellating Seamen
Black Size Matters
Final album title by Prince – Purple Casket
Fart Wisdom – I once squeezed off a real wet one. A friend of mine said, “Man, that’s gonna itch when it dries.”
Bi Nana and other fruits
Haole luau ya’ll
A couple of quotes from Bill Maher –
“the Republicans want a token black in the White House, not a black tokin’ in the White House.
Talking about Sarah Palin being chosen by John McCain for Vice President- “Perhaps the least qualified public servant since Caligula nominated his horse for the Senate.”
Worth it in the End
The S’mackahos, The Arape-a-ho (2 Newly discovered Native American/Afro American tribes)
Morrie “Eel” Stein
There’s a vas deferens between peeing and coming.
Running the Gaunt Slut
“Fukinelle” – The New British Viagra
“You say Snohomish, I say Samamish, Let’s kill the whole tribe off…”
Great blogs aren’t written, they are rewritten
Can you teach an old god new tricks?
What is the sound of Jesus coming?
Camel Tow (Business Name)
Mai Johnson (Vietnamese Transvestite)
Home Two Turd
Worst name ever for an African-American business- Afro Engineering Corp.
The Drunkin’ Shuffle
Phluffer the Flaccid Dragon
Nocturdal – The Night Shitter (Marvels Latest)
Mikelle Bolt-on (Lesbian Stripper)
I wouldn’t be caught DEAD with a necrophiliac!
Me so corny
Vote for Hillary- She’ll bring a broad perspective to the presidency….
Self Staining Briefs
This animated video is guaranteed to drive you nuts- the Burpy-burp song is taking America by storm! (one fool at a time)
Tiers of a Human Being
Roy L, Payne & Diaz (British/Spanish attorneys)
I Saw, I Conquered, I Came. (Tip o’ the pen to D. Meaner)
Hard On Her Heels
I know her like the front of my hand. (Tip o’ the pen to D. Meaner)
I’m not looking for a girl who will bend over backward to please me, I’m looking for a girl who will bend over forward!
En v’ elope
Caught between a cock and hard place.
I won’t answer the phone while I’m on the shitter in a public bathroom. I think it is classless. As far as I’m concerned I am incommode-icado
Philup Koont Witt-Dix (Best Selling Author)
I was born into old money- Gramma always slipped me five dollars from her purse.
I was watching a detective show where some clown implants a chip into his wife so he can track her whereabouts. She is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. The detectives discover the chip, figure out what it’s for, and who implanted it. One of the detectives says, “Wow, he invented a Ho-Jack”
The Dick Lisperer – Gay best seller
Who Trump’s the Trump
Did you hear that Lorena Bobbit was killed in a car accident? Some dick cut her off.
Fear of being stuck in a chimney? Santaclaustraphobia
Jour Azzis a Park
When Dinah Shores ruled the Earth
Don’t you love how the phrase “Eating out a fat chick” rolls off the tongue?
Fukenal (Fertility drug)
Stupitor (special needs super hero)
They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. They’re not laughing now.
In Tacoma you don’t lose your girlfriend, you just lose your turn.
Lazlo, The Well Hungarian
“Enormously thin” What the hell does that even mean?
I was as politically correct as I could fuckin’ be. (overheard in the halls of Boeing)
Celebrity Wife Swab (Reality Show)
There’s no pleasing my Mom. She told me to act like a Christian so I told some bum to ‘get a job’, ripped off some elderly folks on a fixed income and butt-fucked a little kid. Now she’s mad at me! Geez I was only following the examples of a conservative talk show host, a TV evangelist and a catholic priest……
The New York Yankees honored Boston after the Marathon bombings at a home game in the Bronx. One Red Sox fan was heard to say, “I hate them even more for making me hate them less.” (Tip o’ the pen to Gerry M. for this submittal)
But can she hum the Star-Spangled Banner?
I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit a better argument than that….
Yeast Mode – Finalist in Reality TV Bakers Competition
Cribbage without Boarders
Unergy – An interaction that is less than the sum of its parts.
Sin Orgy – An interaction that is greater than the sum of its parts.
Tongue in’ Mothers-in-law
Munchkin in a Box
Morning, Noon, and Nightwood
I’ve been ruminating a lot lately… about digestion.
Parenthetic (Santa) Clause
God is my Co-Conspiritor (Bumper Sticker)
From the Vietnamese phone book? ve, Lo
She boxed my jaw…so I jawed her box.
Edie I. Mean
Based on what is coming out of your mouth, there’s no telling what’s been in it.
Sick Raper Pissers
He Shuffles to a Different Drummer
Who is vetting the vets?
Class? You wouldn’t know class if a gristled hunk of hemorroid meat flew into your mouth!
When do they go from wholesome to some hole?
Don’t shoot the enema ’till you see the brown of their eye.
When I make love to her it’s the only time I feel hole.
When you want to convey false sadness say…. “It’s enough to bring a tear to a glass eye.”
Prince Charles described his recent hemorrhoid as “a royal pain in the ass”———-
You have a penchant for the trenchant…
Until Drink Do Us Part
My erections are on the upswing
Social media site for lesbians: Clitter (or Twatter)
Cunt Troll Freak
You smell like donated clothing.
Cunt Cock Shun
Knot Won Read Scent
Porn Score and Seven Years Ago
Obama Sin Laden
Disingenuous Peoples Day
Armed and Amorous
I Got Lapses in my Synapses
Food Stamp Asses